High Anxiety & Depressive Lows

This has been a weird week.  My mood has fluctuated between highs and lows all week and it's normally pretty consistent at one end of the spectrum or another.  I'm trying to figure out what has triggered this weirdness and the only thing I can come up with is hormones.

My cycle hasn't been normal ever since I gave birth to Zach but it's really been screwed up for the last year and I don't have normal periods.  Instead of a normal 30 day cycle, with 5 days of bleeding, I get constant light bleeding with a few days of nothing, mixed in with spells of heavy bleeding.  My OBGYN said that I wasn't ovulating and the lining in my uterus would build up to the point it would make me bleed all the time.

I think I just had an actual period although it's kind of hard to say with the above mentioned problems.  But I had cramping, clotting, and my face broke out so I think it's safe to say this was a real period.  I think it means the chemicals in my brain are all out of whack, too.

I haven't felt this depressed in a long, long time.  I just don't want to do anything and I can't bring myself to care.  I feel really bad about my self image, to the point that I don't want to leave the house because I don't want anyone else to see me.  I'm 32 years old but I still get pimples during my time of the month.  I hate that because I think it looks dirty and I'm not a dirty person.  Add bloating on top of the fact that I'm already fat and I feel like I'm as huge as a house.

I was supposed to go out with some of the ladies last night for dinner and I skipped out on that because I couldn't bring myself to change out of my comfy clothes.  I just didn't want to get in the car and go anywhere.  I called one of my friends and told her that I wasn't going and she said that if I came over to the house, she'd pump me full of Prozac!  I probably do need to get back on medication. 

I'm supposed to go to Who's Yer Con today and I feel very anxious and stressed out about it.  I'm sitting here at the computer desk and my right leg is bouncing up and down a million times a minute.  My stomach is in knots and I really need to go get ready but I'm blogging, instead.  I haven't felt like blogging all week long.

I think the thing that makes me nervous is that I'm going by myself and I'm not going to know anyone there.  I'm going to be gaming with people that I don't know.  I have been with my D&D group for almost 10 years now and the thought of role playing in front of other people is killing me!  I've talked myself out of going several times since last night but this morning I decided that I was going to go.  Now I just have to get my fat ass into the shower and get ready.

Information Update

This is just a blog post to tell you that I haven't been in the mood to blog for the last week or so.  Nothing new or interesting is going on and even though I did play D&D last weekend, I haven't been able to get into the creative mindset needed to blog about it.  Rob has also started a game blog (a glog?) and if you're curious about the last game session then visit Thief of Lust and Swords.  He's much better at it, anyway.

Mix CD - 3/6/10

hatefuck - the bravery
swing life away - rise against
volcano girls - veruca salt
norway - beach house
carmen queasy - maxim
no direction - longwave
sugar crystals - airiel
why can't i be me? - the cure
orphans - beck
make it wit chu - qotsa
under the milky way - sia
girl i love you - massive attack
dickhead - kate nash
they are night zombies!! - sufjan stevens
enjoy the silence - failure
to lose my life - white lies
new fang - them crooked vultures
pretty in pink - the dresden dolls
give it to me right - melanie fiona
mother love - justin timberlake

Blogging, Sunshine, & Movies

I haven't blogged in a couple of days so you know I haven't really had anything to talk about.  I kind of feel at a loss as to what to blog about because I haven't played D&D in a for 2 weeks.  I think this is turning into one of THOSE blogs.  Or maybe I hate it when people blog just for the sake of blogging and not because they have something to say.  I tend to fall into the former category a lot, just because I feel like I SHOULD have something to say.

I was trying to avoid any type of categorization - i.e. mommy blogger, sex blogger, RPG blogger - because my life is comprised of all those things and I like to talk about all of it.  Well, maybe not the sex so much because...well that's a whole different post on a blog that none of you can read.

I've also been trying to limit my time on the computer to the mornings, while the one or the other of the boys is at school.  I do all my Facebook crap and if I have time to blog, I will but if I don't then it doesn't get done.  I'm breaking that rule today because I do want to blog but once I get done, I won't get on the computer for the rest of the day.

I've been taking the boys outside after lunch and it has done wonders to improve our moods. We walk around the block for at least a half an hour and then we come back and the boys play outside for about 20 minutes.  We walked all the way to the park yesterday and they wanted to play there, although it was colder yesterday than the past couple of days because the sun wasn't shining.  Today promises to be a nice day to get out. 

When we get done outside, the boys seem much calmer and they'll sit on my bed and watch a cartoon, allowing me to have some "quiet time".  They also seem to sleep a lot better at night.  I wish I could say the same about me but my sleep is still hit or miss.  Last night was a bad night and I ended up going out to the couch so that my tossing and turning and coughing wouldn't wake Aaron up.  The night before that was one of the best night's sleep that I've had in a while.  The funny thing was that I was more tired after the good night's sleep than I was after the crappy night's sleep.  I don't get it.

I've been watching a show called ReGenesis while the boys are having their snack/movie time.  It's a Canadian show that Aaron downloaded a while back.  It's kind of like House but it focuses more on the science of diseases, instead of the doctor/patient relationships.  Rachel, you should watch it (Seasons 1 - 3 are on hulu.com) because I think you might like it.  One of the characters has Asperger's Syndrome and he's one of my favorite characters.  The soundtrack to the show is also a-fucking-mazing and I want to download all the music.  It's kind of ethereal and ambient and trance-y.  Good stuff.

Aaron and I watched Gamer last night and it was a decent movie.  It had a twist that I didn't expect.

SPOILER!!! - I thought that Kable (Gerard Butler) was in prison for murdering his daughter's killer but you find out that the daughter is alive and that the guy he killed was a military buddy that had been involved in the experiment with him.  And not only is the daughter alive but the guy who has her is the one responsible for actually killing the other guy, even though Kable pulled the trigger (mind control and shit). /SPOILER!!!

The movie does have an actual commentary on the whole reality show/virtual world gaming concept and it's interesting that the two haven't been combined for a movie before now.  cough cough TRON cough cough.

And not only did I get to watch Gerard Butler look all manly and broody and run around with a gun and blow stuff up, but two more hot actors - Sam Witwer and Milo Ventimiglia - also made a brief appearance. (I'd like to take this moment to reassure my husband that I think that he is just as yummy as any of those actors.)

Ch Ch Ch Changes

I need to clean the house really good today and I'm so not motivated to do it.  I haven't felt like taking care of my house for a while now.  Not that I don't keep it picked up or clean but after the weekend, the house is usually always trashed and I am finding it harder to motivate myself on Monday's to clean it back up. 

Someone made a comment the last time I bitched about cleaning that at least I don't have to worry about working a full-time job during the day and then come home and clean.  I know that I am very lucky that I get to stay home to raise my kids and that I don't have to go to work, too.  And even though I get irritated when people say I don't have a job just because I don't get paid, I know that I have it easier than women who do have to work.  That doesn't mean that I WANT to clean just because I have more time to clean.

I think part of my problem is that I need a change.  My house isn't very big so everything is already in a place to maximize the space we have.  I just get tired of looking at the same damn thing all of the time.  When I was little I used to rearrange my bedroom at least once a week.  It used to drive my parents nuts because I would take everything out of it's place and create a huge mess and then switch everything around and clean it all up.  That should've been a sign that something isn't quite right with me but I guess they chose to ignore it.

Everything has been where it's currently at since we moved into the house and it's just getting to me.  I want to repaint but finding the time to do that when the boys won't mess with stuff is few and far between.  I would also love to have new furniture but it's cost prohibitive.  I thought about getting on Craig's List and putting up our own furniture and offer to trade with someone but the thought of using someone else's old sofa is kind of gross.

My bedroom also drives me nuts.  We have 2 overstuffed bookshelves, our queen sized bed, a night stand, a dresser, and a large desk in our room.  There really isn't any other place for us to put the desk or bookshelves because the boys each have their own room.  I've tried to talk Aaron into putting the boys' beds in the smaller bedroom and then turning the larger bedroom into a computer/play room.  The boys would share a bedroom but they would have another room to put their toys.  He doesn't like the idea because he had to share a room when he was younger and he thinks they need their own space.  I agree that when they get older, they should have their own rooms but right now, they could share a room.

Bleh.

I really need to go through their rooms and declutter it again.  They have so many toys that they don't play with anymore and books they don't read.  I just want to get rid of all of it but they freak out when I touch anything in their room.  They have a crap load of Thomas trains & track that they haven't played with in years.  And the amount of matchbox cars that they own is obscene.

Maybe after I get done cleaning the house today, I'll go to Menards and look at paint samples.  I want to repaint the living room, the kitchen, the bathroom, and all the bedrooms - the whole freaking house.  It hasn't been done in a few years and everything could do with a fresh coat. 

Be There!

I've signed up for a couple of different events - the Living Forgotten Realms game & a Pathfinder game on Friday.  I also signed up for one on Saturday, although I don't know if we'll be in Ohio that weekend for my MIL's birthday.  I didn't see anything on the website itself that says how much it costs to attend this convention so either it's free or it's insanely expensive & they don't want to scare anyone away until it's too late.

Aaron has that Friday off from work but I'm hoping to find a babysitter so that he can attend the events with me (hint hint).

FYI, I emailed the chick who organized the event about the ticket price and she said the events are free!!!  You can't beat that!

Insert Title Here

Aaron & I went to see Sherlock Holmes last night and then we went to Applebee's after that because I still had gift cards from Christmas to use.  I really liked the movie.  I think that Ritchie did a good job of capturing England during the Industrial Revolution (at least I think that's when the movie takes place).  I really got a sense of what it must have been like to live during that time.  It was very dirty and dismal and the actors/actresses weren't pretty and they had dirty fingernails and grimy teeth.  Both Robert Downey, Jr. and Jude Law looked pretty grubby and stinky. 

My list of books I want to read is growing: The Sherlock Holmes books by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, The Conan the Barbarian books by Robert E. Howard, and Rachel has got me interested in Kurt Vonnegut.  I had to read one of his books in college but not only do I not remember it but I can't remember what book it is.

Talking to one of my friends on the west side about hanging out every other Wednesday & meeting for coffee or playing Magic.  It's open to any of my friends who live on the west side.  Probably won't happen until it warms up, though because I don't want to leave my nest when it's cold & my mom is in the process of remodeling her house and I want her to watch the boys so I can have my "girl" time.

I'd rather be playing Overlord on the Xbox right now but Aaron is watching hockey.  Actually he's dozing off but USA just scored and he scared the crap out of me by yelling, "YEAH!" so I guess he really is paying attention to the game even if his eyes are closed.  That's an old man talent right there.  But anyway - Overlord is a hard game because there is no in-game map.  So you get your quests and then you're left on your own to figure out where the hell you have to go.  I've had this game for a long time but quit playing because I got lost and couldn't figure out where the hell I was supposed to go.

I found a walk through of the game on-line and I've been using that to play the game.  It may be cheating but it's helped me figure a lot of things out and I'm actually making progress in the game.  I decided to try and beat the game because aside from being lost it is a fun game.  You have minions that you send out to wreak havoc - what isn't fun about that?  Xander asked me what a minion was and I told him that a good minion is someone who does what you tell them to do.  So then he says, "does that make me & Zach a bad minion?"  He's very perceptive.  And you have to have life force in order to summon your minions and you get that from killing things.  At one point I was slaughtering sheep and Zach got really upset about that.  "I like sheepies," he said.

I don't have much else to say.  Guess I have to go figure out what to do about dinner now.

Funny Ha! Ha!

If you look over to the right hand column on my blog, you'll notice my twitter updates.  I've been using twitter for several years now and I've never had an issue come up with anything I've tweeted or read from fellow tweeters.

For those of you who don't tweet, Twitter is an application that allows you to update your "followers" on what you are currently doing in 140 characters or less.  A lot of people tweet from their phone so their status is constantly updated.  Yes, Twitter is kind of a pointless thing and there has to be a little bit of ego involved to think that people give a shit about what you are doing.  I also think people that use Twitter probably have an exhibitionist streak, as well. 

Aaron attended an event at a bar the other night & I noticed the bar had a Twitter account so I went to the page to read what kind of tweets a bar would send out.  This is the first thing that I read:

@brewhouse: Know how to make a bad sport worse? Put women in skates and let them play hockey.

I'm not a feminazi - far from it.  I tend to see the humor in mostly everything and don't get offended by a lot.  But damn!  I guess the guy could have been making a joke but I think you'd have to know him really well to know that was the case.  You'd have to know him a lot better than just following his tweets.  I think you'd have to know a person in "real life" in order to get their sense of humor.  I'm sure that I've said quite a bit on my own twitter account that has made my "followers" say, "What the fuck?"

So being the impulsive person that I am, I immediately fired off on my own twitter account and I said, Retweet @brewhouse Know how to make a bad sport worse? Put women in skates and let them play hockey - Know how to lose customers? Be a dick.  And because I put the @brewhouse in my tweet, he was able to read what I had said.  He responded back, @kathulhu humor, my friend, humor. no need for name calling.

I suppose I could have made my point without the name calling but I felt that as a hockey fan, I mean as a woman, that I had been insulted and I felt the need to be rude in return.  But I tweeted him back & told him that it was hard to read humor into 140 characters or less & that his comment was pretty bad and I was sorry for calling him a dick, but not sorry if he really meant the comment.

He responded, @kathulhu but, u dont follow me so u have no idea about my humor. u read an RT. that is jumping in mid-conversation at a cocktail party.  To which I said, @brewhouse I read it on your page, not a RT but you're correct. The danger of social networking/twitter is it's open to misinterpretation.

You would think that a business - or someone tweeting under the name of their business - would be more careful of what they said at risk of loosing potential customers.  The guy has the right to believe what he wants to believe, even if it is hateful but does he really need to broadcast it so widely?

He never responded back to my last tweet and never acknowledged that his statement could be misinterpreted as ugly.  Of course, his twitter "followers" all responded in his defense and he threw out terms like "uptight assholes" (who's name calling now?) but I never said anything more and I haven't been back to see if anything else has been said - a. I'm not following him (although he is now following me) and b. fighting on the internet is like the Special Olympics - even if you win, you're still retarded (was that offensive?).

The only reason I'm blogging about it (aside from the fact that I have nothing else to talk about and I'm procrastinating because I have to shave my legs & I hate to do that) is because someone tweeted me and said, @kathulhu Glad I wasn't the only one who thought that tweet from @brewhouse was a lot more ugly than "funny".  This was from someone who isn't following me on twitter but picked it up from following the other person's account.  I guess it just goes to show that you never know who is "listening in" (i.e. Santa or God) and that you really do need to be careful about what you say. 

Day #4 - Zombie Flu Virus

So I've been sick for 4 days now.  Aaron got me a neti pot on his way home last night and I used it for the first time.  That has to be one of the weirdest sensations I've ever felt.  I know that the ears, nose, & throat are connected but I didn't expect it to make my eyes water & burn.

You put the spout in one nostril and tilt your head so that the water pours out the other nostril.  Just weird.  I couldn't get it to work from the left side but if I put it in the right side, then it was fine.  Bleh.  It cleared my nose out for about 5 minutes and then it went back to feeling stuffy.  It's just salt water so I can do it as often as I'd like, although I imagine it would eventually dry my nose out and cause nose bleeds.

I just want it to move out of my head so that the sinus headaches will go away.  And the snoring is bad.  Poor Aaron braved the bed last night but I know he had to have slept bad, too.

Woke up to snow again.  The snow had melted off of the roads and the driveway but they were covered again this morning.  Although the sun is shining now so maybe it'll melt again.  I'm so done with snow.  And cold.  But you already knew that.

Zach wanted me to walk him into school this morning and then he got all clingy.  I really didn't want to stay this morning because I feel like crap and I don't want to infect any of the other children.  I felt bad for him, though.  I walked him back to his class and once he started in on his routine (hang up his coat, find his name tag, sit in the circle, etc) he wasn't watching me so I left.  Is it worse to just leave and have him look for me halfway through the class and wonder where I'm at?  I don't really know.  He had show and tell today so hopefully that distracted him enough that he forgot about me even being there.

Speaking of Zach, I have to go pick him up now.  Nothing new or exciting here.  Just blogging for the sake of blogging.

What Do You Get...

...when a dwarven cleric, a half-elven sorcerer, and a half-orc rogue walk into a bar with a 2 ft. salami under each arm?

You get a D&D night with the girls at Rob's house!!!!

My weekend was pretty much a role playing extravaganza.  I went over to Rob's on Saturday and we are in the process of teaching Rachel how to play D&D.  We rolled up our characters and she chose to play a male half-orc thief.  Rob had me make 2 characters so I made a female dwarven cleric named Dirty Gertie and a female half-elf sorcerer named Willow.

When we finished making our characters Rob wanted to show us a couple of episodes of Drawn Together because I hadn't watched it and he felt that I should.  He showed us the first episode of the series and episode 3, where Xandir comes out of the closet and admits that he's gay.  The show first aired in 2004, a few months after Xander was born and the guys would tease me about his name because of the Xandir on the show and I think that's one of the reasons I never watched it.  The episodes that Rob had weren't censored so all I can say is OH.MY.GOD.  That cartoon is some crazy shit.  Funny.  But crazy.

We decided to play Rock Band and Rachel fingered the guitar (heh!) while I played bass & Rob pounded the drums (heh! heh!).  We played for about 45 minutes and then went back to the D&D game, which only lasted another 45 minutes.  I think Rob was pretty tired and a little buzzed at that point and I know I was pretty tipsy so the game degenerated into giggling and lewd innuendos.  We spent the rest of the evening talking 'bout stuff and then Rachel had to leave.

Since I had to be back the next morning for our regular D&D session, I just spent the night on Rob's couch (which is why I had a few drinks, too).  Rob got up the next morning and made us delicious sausage, egg, & cheese sammiches and then we waited for the guys to get there.

I got to play a little bit of Dante's Inferno while Rob was in the shower and that game is bad ass!!!  Me wants.

I have to go make dinner now.