It's not even Christmas yet but I'm already looking forward to looking backward. An impressive feat, but what I mean by this, is that at the start of a new year, people often reflect on the previous year's accomplishments/failures and start to plan for the upcoming year. Resolutions are made, good intentions abound, and resolve hardens as this is the year when everything is going to happen exactly the way you plan for them to. If you're anything like me, it all goes to shit 2 or 3 days later when you wake up at 2 AM and binge yourself on left over frosting, ignoring your resolution to loose weight.
I bet you can tell what I'm going to be focusing on when I make my New Year's resolution. Yep. My weight. Every year, I vow that THIS will be the year. I will wake up on January first second (have to give myself a day to recover from the hangover) with a fresh resolve and an iron clad will but by dinner time that day, I've already broken my resolution. I hate making resolutions because I know I'm going to break them. But how can you not expect yourself to do better?
Aaron works for a small company right now and I guess the HR department gave him shit when he first turned in his insurance paperwork. They told him that they should be able to get me covered but it was said in that tone that implies that snowballs would have a better chance in hell. Now he's being told that they should be able to get me covered but that he won't get a raise because my insurance will cost more and that they can't spread the cost among the company since it's so small. I met a lot of the people that he works with and their spouses. I was the fattest person at the company Christmas party. I get that they don't want to raise other people's insurance because of me.
I told Aaron today that I wanted to get bariatric surgery after the first of the year. His response was, if we can save the money for it, then I can get it. But first I have to figure out where to get the money because we're living paycheck to paycheck as it is. Then it was pointed out to me that we still need to get new tires on the Mazda among the multitude of other expenses that come first. He said that I could join a gym or take a Pilates class with some of the ladies in the MOMS club but that's another monthly payment that adds to our debt.
I hate feeling guilty about costing the family money but either way you look at it, whether I join a gym, get the surgery, or continue to be overweight; I'm costing the family money. I can make a ton of excuses but it all comes down to me. I have no one to blame for my past failure but myself. I know my limitations, I know what excuses I will make, I know what frustrates and discourages me. I want someone to crack the whip and to tell me when to exercise and what to eat and call me a fat ass when I want to eat 6 pieces of pizza. But no one will do that and I have to take responsibility for myself.
I don't buy junk food because I don't want the boys to eat it. But my dad made a comment once that made a lot of sense to me. I may not have the crap in the house but I turn the good stuff into junk food by eating too much. I love salads but I ruin them by putting too much cheese or ranch dressing on them. If I buy those healthy snack bars, I can't eat just one. The one time I know I over eat is when I play D&D. I usually stop to pick up fast food and then I snack on chips or whatever else is available.
And I know that I don't get enough exercise. Walking around the block with the boys during the summer has not done a thing. I need to eat better and exercise more. If I join a gym, I have to leave my house every day and the opportunity to procrastinate presents itself. I need to just buy an exercise bike or treadmill and put it in the living room and when I'm not taking care of the boys, I need to glue myself to it. I have the time and I need to make the effort. Now I just have to find the $$$ to buy the equipment.
I hate keeping track of every single thing I eat. I get obsessed about every single calorie and gram of fat that goes into my body. I constantly think about what my next snack or meal is going to be. This seems to make the problem worse because food is always in my thoughts, making me feel more hungry.
I feel like I have all of the pieces to a puzzle but I just don't know how to get them to fit together. I know my problem, I know what has made me fail in the past, I know that there are tools available to help me obtain my goal but I don't know how to make it all work. And saying that makes me feel like I'm just trying to make excuses when it's really the truth.
So, in summary:
- I am a fat ass
- I need to loose weight
- I feel guilty for being fat, for being an extra financial drain
- I have to do this all on my own
- I need a piece of exercise equipment
- I'll probably be making this same blog entry a year from now
I can keep rambling on but I'll just be repeating myself.