My Character Sheet

This is what my character sheet would look like if I was a D&D character, as per Rob.  That's some funny shit, right there.

Level 3 Riot Girl, 1 DM, 2 Betch, Prestige Class Mom 5th

Alignment: Chaotic Mommie

13    Looks

12    Betchiness

13    Perception

14    Memory

Skills

5    Inspire Giggles

3    Rock Band

6    Make Friends

Flaws

Easily Distracted

Easily Intoxicated

Spells

Tasha's uncontrollably hideous laughter

Languages:

Common, Girl, Little Kid and Ingallsvilleian

Curse Of The Azure Bonds Game 5

Robbie, one of my DM's, is currently running The Curse of The Azure Bonds for us.  This module is originally from 2.0 system and Rob is having to convert it to the Pathfinder 3.75.  I am playing Blackberry, a Ranger4/Rogue3 halfling (character sheet here).  So far, we have gotten 3 of the 5 tattoos removed and we have just left Zhentil Keep.

Up until this point, we've been pretty direct in going straight to the main fight.  This time, however, we didn't really know where to go once we got to Zhentil Keep.  We had a dream of a man wearing the armor of Bane and his face was covered in tattoos and at his feet was the sword of Lythander.  But when we got to Zhentil Keep, we realized that all of the priests of Bane had their faces tattooed as a sign of their devotion.  

We entered the city in the company of another female halfling named Stevie Nickleplate, a renowned bard but we parted ways once we were inside the city.  She told us that she would be playing at a tavern called the Gorey-eyed Beast and I told her that we would come and see her perform.  We decided to stay at an inn called The Hero's Rest but quickly left when we realized it was staffed by the undead.  Blackberry thought it would've been neat to stay there but the paladin negated it.  Instead we stayed at a place with the word "evil" in it's name (I can't remember it).

We decided to go see Stevie at The Gorey-eyed Beast but the bartender, a beholder, said he'd never heard of her.  We asked him about the man with the sword of Lythander and he told us to visit a sage in the graveyard outside of the north side of town.  We crossed over into the New City with the intention of going to the graveyard.  On our way to the graveyard we visited the temple of Torm.  Here we learned that each of us was a construct and our souls had been damned to hell for actions that were not our fault.  Blackberry's crime was that she had touched a magic item which possessed her and caused her to go on a murderous rampage.

The priest of Torm blessed our party and gave us protection versus undead.  This was a big help because at one point we were approached by at least 20 shadows, but they couldn't harm us so they left.  We had some minor skirmishes with goblins and finally made it to the graveyard, where we entered the mausoleum that the sage inhabited.  She was an undead thing and demanded blood in payment for the information we were seeking.  Samsung, the dwarven cleric of Moradin (and Blackberry's best friend), gave her his blood.  She told us that the man we were seeking was none other than Fzoul Chembryl, leader of the church of Bane (and a 19th level cleric!).

While we were talking to the sage, a poisonous gas had been slowly seeping into the mausoleum.  We all failed our perception checks and so we noticed the gas far too late.  Rob had us make fortitude checks to see if we could withstand the poison and the party also failed that check.  At this point, I think it would have been safe to say that Rob could have TPK'd the party.  Instead, we awoke in a cell far below the ground, wearing nothing but rags and the rest of equipment was gone; except for Samsung, who was missing.

After we woke up we were escorted to see the Inquisitor.  He knew that Fzoul had the sword of Lythander and that he had lied when he said it was destroyed & he was going to bring him down.  Samsung had been tortured and he wanted us to tell him why we were there.  Edrick, the paladin, was appointed to be the group speaker but he was taking too long to tell the story so the Inquisitor was going to hurt Samsung and Blackberry blurted everything out.

We were sent back to the cell to rot but Samsung was able to create water for us several times a day.  I attempted to pick the lock but was unsuccessful.  It really looked like we were going to die in the cell but after several days we were set free by Stevie, who was actually Olive Rustkettle, a harper bard.  She had posed as a servant and was hired to cook for the soldiers of the temple of Bane.  She gave them all food poisoning so that we could escape.  We found the secret tunnel out of the dungeons but on our way out we met the butler, who told us we were expected.

We were escorted into a dining room and sitting at the head of the table was Fzoul Chembryl, the sword of Lythander was hanging on the wall behind him.  He told us that if we killed the Inquisitor and the beholder that he would remove our tattoo and give us the sword.  At this point the tower was hit by an explosion, Fzoul disappeared, and the Inquisitor and the beholder, along with several clerics of Bane and a few soliders burst into the room.  

Blackberry put on the Gauntlets of Devouring in the hopes that it would dampen all the magic in the area but they actually work as a targeted dispel against magic, not as an anti-magic field.  The gauntlets did, however, increase her strength to 20, give her a +2 on all of her saves, & add +10 to her AC.  Because of this, Blackberry was able to defeat the Inquisitor in single combat while the rest of the party dealt with the beholder, the other clerics, & the fighters.  Unfortunately, Olive was struck by one of the beholder's eyes and she was turned into stone.

We were able to flee Zhentil Keep because the church of Bane is split into several factions and they just happened to choose that moment to start fighting with one another.  We grabbed Olive and fled the city with the third tattoo removed and the sword of Lythander.  Now we have to figure out where the creator of the 4th tattoo is so that we can kill him.

Character Background

This is a background for my character in Randy's upcoming game. Her name is Kaelynn Vondersaar and she's a first level wizard specializing in divination. I plan on eventually taking the Loremaster prestige class. We are playing Pathfinder 3.75 rules and the campaign will take place in the Forgotten Realms. View her stats and character sheet here.  I got the original character sheet from JamesTheBard.Net.

Grandparents – Ultan Vondersaar & Cyby (Thecla) Vondersaar

Parents – Owen Vondersaar & Cyrica (Pelerines) Vondersaar

Uncles – Gerard, Agilus, Robert

Cousins – (Robert’s children) Vodalus (sons: Oscar, Peter, Thavian); Drotte (sons: Eric, Alton); Rubius (sons: Zachary, Alexander), Thomas

Brothers – Jax, Severin, Nessus, Douglass, Talos, Simon

Nephews – (Jax’s sons) Gordon, Aston, Dalus; (Severin’s son) Colby; (Nessus’ sons) Randall, Jonathan; (Douglass’ son) Wolfe

Kaelynn is the seventh (and youngest) child of Owen & Cyrica Vondersaar (deceased). Her paternal grandparents settled in Harrowdale when her Uncle Gerard was just a boy & before her father Owen was born. Her mother, Cyrica, is from Cormyr. She was actually a Zhent slave and was rescued by Uncle Gerard and Uncle Agilus. She intended to return to Cormyr and accompanied the party back to Harrowdale where she met Owen. Cyrica did go home to Cormyr but she and Owen maintained contact and eventually she came to live in Harrowdale & they were married. Cyrica has several sisters (Agia, Lynn, Marawyn) and brother (Douglass) still living in Cormyr. Both of her parents (Kaelynn’s maternal grandparents) are deceased.

The Vondersaar family presence is very big in Harrowdale. The Vondersaar name begins with Gurloes, a paladin of Tyr. It is believed that Tyr blessed Gurloes to produce only male offspring for performing a great act in the name of Tyr. There is a rumor that Cyrica had an affair and that is why she had a girl. There is also a rumor that Kaelynn is actually the daughter of Gerard & Cyrica and that Tyr showed his disfavor by making the child a girl. Both are rumors that Owen denies and Kaelynn’s brothers will fight anyone who questions her parentage. Kaelynn strongly favors her mother’s dark looks while her father and all of her brothers are blonde.

Her Uncle Gerard is a wizard of some renown in the Dales. He adventured with Agilus, a cleric of Tyr. Agilus was killed during the rescue of Cyrica and several other people being held as slaves by the Zhents. Both her father Owen and her Uncle Robert are cattle ranchers and they help to run the business that Grandpa Ultan established. There is talk among the family that Grandpa Ultan was an adventurer when he was younger and that he moved to Harrowdale with his wife Cyby to settle down, however Grandpa Ultan never discusses his past.

Her brothers Jax and Severin help out with the cattle business. Nessus is a cleric of Tyr and he lives in Mistledale with his family. He comes home to visit during most holidays. Douglass is a butcher and he runs a shop in Harrowdale Town. Talos is a ranger and Simon is a mercenary who works with caravans, escorting them through the various dales. Neither one of them is home very often nor are they married and do not have children.

It was a tradition of her father to send Kaelynn and her brothers to stay with Uncle Gerard, who had a home in Battledale, for a few weeks during the summer. This is about the only time that Gerard would stay in his home, spending the rest of his time adventuring. It is during one of these summer visits that Kaelynn met an older man with dark hair. She remembers very little of this visit but she remembers him telling her that she was very special and that he would be waiting for her. After that, she began to exhibit magical abilities. It was also at this point that her Uncle quit adventuring and moved back to Harrowdale. Whenever Kaelynn has asked her Uncle about the dark haired man, he will change the subject or divert her attention with a new spell or lesson.

Owen never liked the idea of Kaelynn practicing magic and forbid her from using it in the home. He did not however, forbid her completely from using magic. At the age of 16, Kaelynn was sent to a school of wizardry in Cormyr, outside of Suzail, paid for by her Uncle. While in Cormyr, Kaelynn got to meet her mother’s family and became very close to 2 of her cousins, Amanda and Persephone. Kaelynn’s mother died in child birth and her grandmother had died before she was born, so she had never had a strong female presence in her life. Her father treated her just like her brothers and so she grew up learning how to herd cattle and clean out the barns, just like her brothers. Meeting Amanda and Persephone gave her the opportunity to have the sisters that were never born to her.

Kaelynn did not make many friends the year that she was away at school. She was teased for being for being awkward, rough, and plain. She would usually respond to such teasing with fists, as she did while growing up with 6 older brothers. Her teachers despaired of ever making a “proper wizard” out of her. During a particularly bad incident, Kaelynn was surrounded by several of her peers, who began to jeer and taunt her. Kaelynn picked the biggest and meanest of the group and began to fight with him, hoping that if she beat him into submission the others would leave her alone (her usual tactic). Unfortunately, this time the group responded by ganging up on her.

When she awoke in the infirmary, she saw that she was restrained to the bed. After screaming for several minutes, a cleric came in and told her that she had been restrained because during the fight she had unleashed a bolt of pure magical energy, injuring several of the classmates who had been harassing her and nearly killing one of them. She had been restrained because she had seemed to fall into some sort of rage and lashed out at anyone that came near her. The professors had tried stunning her or putting her into a magical sleep but she seemed to absorb their spells. She was finally subdued when Anskar, the headmaster of the school, was able to physically knock her out.

The cleric told her that she would remain restrained until Anskar had examined her and determined her to no longer be a threat. Several hours later she awoke to find Anskar and Uncle Gerard standing over her. She was informed that she was being expelled from the school because she was too great of a threat to the other students. Her Uncle Gerard was being charged with her tutelage from this point forward and that he would need to find someone who was familiar with Spellfire* to instruct her in its use. Her Uncle Gerard told her that she would be living with him upon their return to Harrowdale. He also told her that it was not her fault that she had been expelled and that there was no shame in what had happened.

That night, Kaelynn dreamed of an amulet made from a large piece of topaz carved to resemble an owl and placed into a setting of sliver. Later that day, while visiting her father, he told her he had a gift for her. It was the amulet that she had dreamed of. She learned that it had belonged to her mother and that Uncle Owen had given it to her mother after freeing her from the Zhents. When she asked Uncle Owen why he had given the amulet to her mother, he replied that he had discovered it among the treasure of the Zhent that had owned her and he considered it retribution for her servitude. He would speak no more on the subject after that. Kaelynn realized that the amulet was of a special nature and that she was able to use it as a focus to recall any one of the spells she knew.

Kaelynn and her Uncle have spent much of the last 3 years looking for someone to teach her how to use Spellfire. Kaelynn has had dreams and visions of a tome that could hold the key to her knowledge but has yet to find it. Her Uncle told her that it could be at Candlekeep but in order to gain admittance, she must find a book that the gatekeeper would find worthy. During her time with her Uncle she also learned that she had a knack for divination and has chosen to focus on the school.

*Randy, the DM, has decided that my character will have the spellfire ability for reasons to be divulged at a later date.

Not So Little, Anymore...

I can't believe that this was almost 3 years ago.  Look at how little the boys were!!!

Xander

Zach

The Zombie Virus & Christmas Cookies

The past week has been a blur.  Mmm...blur might not be a good word....I'm not sure what the right word is, really.  I got sick on the 10th of December and finally went to the doctor on Friday, December 18th.  It probably wasn't a good idea to procrastinate but I didn't have the money to go at first and by the time Aaron got paid, I figured it would go away within the next couple of days.  One week full of sleepless nights later and I was still sick.  My ears and throat felt raw and I coughed so hard, my shoulders ached.  

I went to a local dr's office in Fortville but they didn't take walk-in patients.  They offered to make an appointment for me but it wouldn't be until Monday morning.  I drove all the way to the CVS Minute Clinic on 96th and Allisonville Rd. instead.  I was afraid that they would be packed but I actually got in with very little waiting.  The boys were so good the whole time, with very little fussing or fighting, even though is was getting late & close to dinner time.

The nurse practitioner asked me what was wrong, so I told her.  Then she asked if I was running a fever.  I told her that I had been but I wasn't currently.  She said that it was probably viral in nature & that she couldn't really do anything.  At that point I about jumped down her throat & told her that if she didn't give me an antibiotic for my ear, then I wasn't paying the $20 co-pay because that was the whole reason I was there.  So then she relented & actually looked in my ear and at that point she said something along the lines of, "yep, it looks really red in there" so I guess that's bad.  

I took the amoxicillin as soon as I got into the car and Aaron put the drops into my ear once I got home.  The drops started working right away because the pain in my throat and my ear eased up as soon as I used them.  However, my ear has since closed up and I can't hear anything out of it.  I have to use the drops for 4 more days & hopefully it'll open back up because I don't want to have to go back to the doctor.  I have to take the amoxicillian for 7 more days before I'm done with that.  It looks like the zombie virus is not going to take hold this time, though.

Aside from being sick this week, I had a couple of other things going on.  Last Wednesday, the 16th, was the 4th anniversary of my brother's death.  My dad came over on Tuesday & he also came over on that Wednesday so we visited Charlie's grave on that day.  The boys were with us and it was pretty cold so we didn't stay for very long.  Xander asked my dad if he was going to say a prayer, so my dad said he would.  Xander knelt down in front of Charlie's bench & folded up his hands so that he could pray with Papaw.  I'm glad the boys were there because I think it helped my dad.

We also took the boys to the library on Wednesday for story time.  It was kind of nice for my dad to participate in something that I do with the boys but I think he got bored.  It's alright because I get kind of bored at story time, too but I don't go for my entertainment.  The school Christmas parties were on Thursday & Friday and I had volunteered to help out with both of them.  I was pretty worn out from being sick & not sleeping well & I just didn't have the energy to put a whole lot of time or thought (or money!) into either party but I offered to get a craft for both classes.  I bought some candy canes (.88 for 12!), brown pipe cleaners, & some red & green pom poms.  I cut out ovals from some brown paper that I already had, along with a jar of google eyes, & had the kids make reindeer candy canes. 

My mom came over on Saturday for our annual Christmas cookie bake-a-thon.  It seemed to go very smooth this year and it only took us 2 hours to bake all the cookies.  It seemed like last year it took at least 5 hours and the boys (and my mom) quit about halfway through.  We had a pretty good system this year.  I made up the cookie mixes and worked the oven while my mom had the boys help her spoon the cookie dough onto the sheets.  The MOMS Club Christmas party is on Monday and it's not a huge event but it's fun.  Once this is over, we are going to relax and do nothing (except for Christmas) for the next 2 weeks while the boys are on Christmas break!  It will be very nice to not have to get up and go somewhere every morning.

I played D&D with the guys today and it was an interesting game session.  More on that later.  It's late and I need to get some sleep.

Dear Charlie

Another year has come and gone since you were taken from us.  Time has done nothing, except maybe give the boys a greater awareness of what is missing from their lives.  Xander has said to me, "Mom, I miss Uncle Charlie", even though he was only a year old when you passed.  I try to focus on the positives and to remember the good things but it gets harder every year.  I can't help but to imagine what might have been if you had lived.  Would you have children of your own?  The fun you would be having with my boys as they get older.  The missed birthdays and holidays.  Sometimes, it's overwhelming.

Today's Agenda

• Take Zach to school
• Go to Wal-mart to pick up craft stuff for 2 pre-school parties
• Go grocery shopping at a different (cheaper) store
• Come home & put groceries away
• Pick Zach up from school
• Try to get some laundry done
• Clean the cat's litter pan
• Clean the human's litter pan bathroom
•  Visit with my dad
• Sweep the floors
• Spot mop the living room/dining room
• water plants
• Put the boys' clean laundry away
• Take the rental car back
• Pick up the Mercedes from the shop

Today will be a fun day while I try to do all of this on 4 1/2 hrs. of sleep and trying not to vomit.  This is actually the first day where I'm feeling some full-on, stomach churning, gut clenching nausea.  Bleh.

3 things that I am thankful for: 1. The hot shower I took this morning. 2. Having money to go grocery shopping with! 3. Aaron & the boys didn't get as sick as I did.

Lazy, Lazy Weekend

I'm going to use the bulleted format again because I like the way it looks and it keeps me from rambling too much.

• The boys got to see Santa at school on Tuesday & Wednesday.  Zach asked for Star Wars Legos & surprises, Xander asked for Spongebob Legos & a Nintendo DS.  I told him that he probably wouldn't get the DS because he wasn't old enough.  He said, "Oh man! Oh well, I can play with my Leap Frog instead."  
• Woke up Thursday morning with a sore throat & stuffy nose.  This is on top of the yuckiness that was still lingering from last week.  By Saturday morning, I was in full blown zombie mode.  Chest congestion, fever, sore throat, sore ears, and a cough.  Ran out of meds in the afternoon, so I was pretty miserable by Saturday evening.  Aaron went to the store this morning to get me some more Ibuprofen.  He also had to get me some more pads because it's that time of the month.  The cashier thought I was pms'ing cause she told him to get chocolate, too.  He not only got me some Hershey's dark chocolate, but he also brought back a Starbucks frappacino.  Smart man.
• I babysat for Sarah on Friday and it actually wasn't that bad.  T is not a bad kid but when you get 3 boys in a 1,000 sq. ft. home, the results are not pretty.  I had all 3 boys in their pj's by 8:00 & sitting on the living room floor with a bowl of popcorn & some hot chocolate.  They watched cartoons for about an hour and then they went to bed with hardly any fussing.  At one point, I overheard Xander telling T that he was getting Spongebob Legos & Lego Rock Band from his Nana for Christmas.  That boy has a good memory & we have to start being careful what we say in front of him.  My mom & I didn't even think he was listening when we were talking about that stuff.
  
• Still feel like crap today.  Took lots of little naps & drank lots of warm liquids.  Had a weird dream at one point that was narrated in a similar style to Gene Wolfe's The Book Of The New Sun.  This would make sense because I am currently reading that book but if you've ever read it, you would know how verbose his prose is.  So it was pretty funny that my dream, which was about nothing important, was being narrated by a man who is using all sorts of big words to describe what I am doing.  I wish I could remember exactly what he said but I really only remember what he was doing.
• I've developed a dry cough which get worse when I get too hot.  And coughing makes me hot, which makes me cough harder, which makes me hotter, which....you get the picture.  I sat in the bathroom for half an hour, while the shower was running at it's hottest temp, so that I could breathe in the steamy air.  It's seemed to help quite a bit.
• Busy week ahead of us.  My dad is coming to hang out with us on Tuesday and possibly Wednesday.  He's going with me to pick the boys up from school so that he can see what their classroom looks like & maybe meet their teachers.  Wednesday is the 4th anniversary of Charlie's death and it's a day that I'm not looking forward to.  I'll be taking the boys to visit his grave and if dad doesn't come over, we'll probably go to the library for story time.  Thursday & Friday are the boys' school Christmas parties and I've signed up to help with both of them.  I hope I am over this particular strain of the zombie virus by then.  In the meantime, I have to squeeze in a trip to the grocery store so that I can buy supplies for the parties & restock our fridge/cabinets.  We are making Christmas cookies with my mom next Saturday & I'm playing D&D on Sunday.
  
• 3 things I'm grateful for today: 1. I got sick this week instead of on Christmas.  Here's to hoping I feel better by then! 2. Aaron - for getting me more meds & bringing back some tasty treats. 3. Sue Sylvester (Glee) for making fun of Mr. Shue's hair and for all of the funny shit that she says.  "All I want is one day where I'm not visually assaulted by uglies & fatties."  And for having her own twitter account.

• And now I'm going to bed.
  

Gratitude Day #2

1. Mucinex - without it, I would be even more miserable right now.
2. Mythbusters - a show that I can watch with my boys and it not only teaches them science and math, but how to blow shit up safely.
3. Aaron - for making lunch today so that I wouldn't have to, for letting me have the bed to myself last night, and for letting me sleep in this morning.
   

D&D Dream

I had a really funny dream about my D&D group last night that I totally blame on the amount of cough medicine I consumed.  We were playing our a game and, similar to The Gamers movie, we were our characters.  

I was a hot fighter, running around in chainmail bikini and waving a longsword around.  Of course, since it's a dream I'm really skinny and I look awesome.  Randy was playing an evil wizard and he wore a black robe with the hood pulled down over his face.  He didn't speak at all unless it was to offer some rude comment about the rest of us and he would make these mystical hand gestures whenever anyone spoke to him like he was casting a spell on them.  

Al was playing a gnome and he looked just like Yogurt, from Spaceballs.  Daive was a bard and he looked just like Jack Black in the Wonderboy video.  Kyle Gass and the free credit report guys were his band & they followed us around and burst into song at totally inappropriate moments.  Robbie was playing a gay elf and he had a Flock of Seagulls haircut and he wore a loincloth like that annoying pixie thing in Legend.

We didn't really do much of anything except run around a town that looked a lot like the Diablo II rogue camp and scare chickens.  Dale, Eric, Darrell, & Joe - some of the other guys that I play D&D with, were not in the dream.  They were probably off plotting something evil for our group.  Like I said, too much cough medicine.

The Pursuit of Happ(y)ness

I've noticed that my blogs have been very negative & I've been very hard on myself lately.  I think it's because I ran out of my Lexapro about a month ago and I haven't been able to get it refilled.  I also happen to have a very good reason to get depressed around this time of year because it's when my brother passed away.

I envy those people who can make themselves happy.  My mom is one of those people.  She is able to put herself into a positive mindset by looking forward to things and by setting goals for herself.  She's a very strong woman and she's tried to teach me how to think like this.  Unfortunately, I'm too much like my dad for that to work.  When I get in a funk, I tend to dwell on the negative.

There was a blurb in the recent Woman's Day magazine about a study conducted on negativity.  Researchers asked people to do one of three things - keep a diary of what happened to them during the day, record their bad experiences, or list the things for which they were grateful.  The gratitude group showed an increase of up to %25 more energy during the day and they slept better at night.

I'm sure the study was subjective but it makes sense that people who think positively are able to function better during the day.  I know the holiday for expressing thanks has passed but in the spirit of trying something new, I'm going to starting listing 3 things that I'm grateful for.  My list might not be full of profound reason but everything I list is important to me in one way or another.  I'm going to try and do it everyday but I'll be happy if I can do it 2 or 3 days a week.

1. I'm thankful for Robbie because I can giggle and act retarded and he totally gets me. (Why did the demon cross the road? To get to the other soul.)
   
2. I'm thankful for the color orange because it makes me smile.  Orange is such a happy color.
3. I'm thankful for books because without them, life would be so boring.
   

Making Resolutions Already

It's not even Christmas yet but I'm already looking forward to looking backward.  An impressive feat, but what I mean by this, is that at the start of a new year, people often reflect on the previous year's accomplishments/failures and start to plan for the upcoming year.  Resolutions are made, good intentions abound, and resolve hardens as this is the year when everything is going to happen exactly the way you plan for them to.  If you're anything like me, it all goes to shit 2 or 3 days later when you wake up at 2 AM and binge yourself on left over frosting, ignoring your resolution to loose weight.

I bet you can tell what I'm going to be focusing on when I make my New Year's resolution.  Yep.  My weight.  Every year, I vow that THIS will be the year.  I will wake up on January first second (have to give myself a day to recover from the hangover) with a fresh resolve and an iron clad will but by dinner time that day, I've already broken my resolution.  I hate making resolutions because I know I'm going to break them.  But how can you not expect yourself to do better?

Aaron works for a small company right now and I guess the HR department gave him shit when he first turned in his insurance paperwork.  They told him that they should be able to get me covered but it was said in that tone that implies that snowballs would have a better chance in hell.  Now he's being told that they should be able to get me covered but that he won't get a raise because my insurance will cost more and that they can't spread the cost among the company since it's so small.  I met a lot of the people that he works with and their spouses.  I was the fattest person at the company Christmas party.  I get that they don't want to raise other people's insurance because of me.

I told Aaron today that I wanted to get bariatric surgery after the first of the year.  His response was, if we can save the money for it, then I can get it.  But first I have to figure out where to get the money because we're living paycheck to paycheck as it is.  Then it was pointed out to me that we still need to get new tires on the Mazda among the multitude of other expenses that come first.  He said that I could join a gym or take a Pilates class with some of the ladies in the MOMS club but that's another monthly payment that adds to our debt.

I hate feeling guilty about costing the family money but either way you look at it, whether I join a gym, get the surgery, or continue to be overweight; I'm costing the family money.  I can make a ton of excuses but it all comes down to me.  I have no one to blame for my past failure but myself.  I know my limitations, I know what excuses I will make, I know what frustrates and discourages me.  I want someone to crack the whip and to tell me when to exercise and what to eat and call me a fat ass when I want to eat 6 pieces of pizza.  But no one will do that and I have to take responsibility for myself. 

I don't buy junk food because I don't want the boys to eat it.  But my dad made a comment once that made a lot of sense to me.  I may not have the crap in the house but I turn the good stuff into junk food by eating too much.  I love salads but I ruin them by putting too much cheese or ranch dressing on them.  If I buy those healthy snack bars, I can't eat just one.  The one time I know I over eat is when I play D&D.  I usually stop to pick up fast food and then I snack on chips or whatever else is available.

And I know that I don't get enough exercise.  Walking around the block with the boys during the summer has not done a thing.  I need to eat better and exercise more.  If I join a gym, I have to leave my house every day and the opportunity to procrastinate presents itself.  I need to just buy an exercise bike or treadmill and put it in the living room and when I'm not taking care of the boys, I need to glue myself to it.  I have the time and I need to make the effort.  Now I just have to find the $$$ to buy the equipment.

I hate keeping track of every single thing I eat.  I get obsessed about every single calorie and gram of fat that goes into my body.  I constantly think about what my next snack or meal is going to be.  This seems to make the problem worse because food is always in my thoughts, making me feel more hungry.  

BLARGHHHHH!!!!!

I feel like I have all of the pieces to a puzzle but I just don't know how to get them to fit together.  I know my problem, I know what has made me fail in the past, I know that there are tools available to help me obtain my goal but I don't know how to make it all work.  And saying that makes me feel like I'm just trying to make excuses when it's really the truth.

So, in summary:

1. I am a fat ass
2. I need to loose weight
3. I feel guilty for being fat, for being an extra financial drain
4. I have to do this all on my own
5. I need a piece of exercise equipment
6. I'll probably be making this same blog entry a year from now

I can keep rambling on but I'll just be repeating myself.

It's Not Guns That Kill People, It's Magic Missiles and Religion

I'm currently in the market for a few new D&D blogs to read so I googled dungeons & dragons.  The fifth or sixth link displayed was entitled Dark Dungeons but it was the url that caught my attention - www.chick.com.  "Cool," I thought to myself, "a D&D blog written by a girl!"  I clicked on the link and quickly realized that it's not a blog about D&D but an evangelistic tract warning against the "evils" of D&D (read the rest of the tract

here).

Oh. My. God. (no pun intended)

Just the other day I was talking to my dad & he asked me if I was coming to church that Sunday.  I told him that I couldn't because I was playing D&D.  I told him that in fact, a lady that I know had signed me up to work the child care at her church but I told her that I couldn't because of D&D.  Both of them responded negatively to the fact that not only was I not coming to church, but that I was not coming to church because I was playing dungeons & dragons - a satanic game.

I'd like to think that my dad was just giving me shit.  I'd also like to think that I'm good enough friends with that lady and that she knows me well enough to know that I'm not a satanist.  Honestly people.  I'm a 32 year old woman who knows the difference between fantasy and reality.  Hell, even my 5 year old knows that shit like that is fake.  I play D&D because it's fun, I enjoy the company of my friends while playing, I get to use my imagination, & I enjoy the escapism that role playing has to offer (even if for a short while).  Who doesn't like to daydream about being powerful, rich, & skinny enough to wear a chain mail bikini? 

I also think it's amusing that the religious tract considers D&D to be part of the occult.  Yes, my favorite class to play is a wizard and yes, wizards cast spells.  I do not cast spells.  I don't have a magical book filled with spells written in a demonic language.  I also do not sacrifice animals, small children, or major appliances for spell components.

Yes, I do believe that there are people out there who have taken it too far and have done stupid shit in the name of D&D but I think those people are in the minority.  I also happen to think that there are some people who take things to far and do very stupid shit in the name of religion.  And if I had to compare the numbers, I would say that religious fanatics have caused far more trouble in our society than someone who plays D&D.

It's interesting that when someone does something awful, a major issue is made out of the fact that they played D&D or video games or listened to Marilyn Manson.  It never occurs to people that when they cast blame on these things, that the person who did something bad might have used these things as a means of escapism from a society that ostracizes people for being different.  It's not the D&D or music that made them do something awful, it's the ridicule they had to face.  

Who wouldn't want to beat the shit out of someone who bullied them everyday?  I can't tell you how often I fantasize about running over stupid people who piss me off or harass me about going to church.  But I'm not going to "cast a spell" on them cause it's not real.  And I'm not going to shoot them in the face, either because I'm a good person, even if I don't go to church and I play D&D.

Oh, and by the way, in reference to panel #2, the group does not kick you out when your character dies.  If that was the case, I would've had to leave the group I'm playing with now the very first session that I played with them.  And it would ruin my favorite past time, which is killing my character and making a new one.  Get your facts straight.  Dumb asses.

The Living Dead Strike Back

Episodes 1-3 would've been so much better with zombies in them. More posters here.

Some Random Bloggins

• We didn't get to go to the Whispers Estate haunted house this weekend.  I was up all night with Zach on Thursday and I had a sore throat & fever when I woke up Friday morning.  My mom won't babysit the boys when they're sick & I didn't feel like staying up all night in an old, poorly insulated house.
• We felt better on Saturday so I took the boys to the Pendleton Community Library for the annual Christmas open house.  This is the third year that we've been and while the program hasn't changed, the boys are getting older and able to appreciate it more.  They got to visit with Santa (Zach, Xander), make a craft, decorate a cookie, & listen to Santa read Twas The Night Before Christmas.  The library has a balloon artist come in and "illustrate" the story with balloons while Santa reads it & this year Zach got to be the wreath.
• I played D&D with Rob & Randy on Sunday.  It was just a one adventure game that Randy was running, since Eric (our 4th player) wasn't able to make it.  Rob has a character named Raven that he started at first level & has played since 2001.  The last time he got to play Raven was in 2008.  Raven was epic level (over 20th level) & trying to redeem herself and change her evil ways.  She sacrificed herself in order to defeat the evil red dragon, Ashardalon, & ended up in hell.  In this game session I played an NPC named Apuzael, a fallen angel of Torm who was charged to rescue Raven from hell in order to redeem myself.  It was a good game & we totally deviated from everything that Randy had planned but in doing so, we avoided a fight with an elemental, a shadow demon, a Marut, & another fallen angel that just happened to be an assassin & higher level.
• I didn't sleep very well last night because the cat kept bothering me & my nose was stuffy & I had to keep using the bathroom.  I decided to keep Xander home from school today because we are all still feeling pretty crappy.  Aaron took the Mercedes to work because it was in the garage & he didn't have to clean it off.  About 20 minutes later I hear the front door shut & Aaron comes into the bedroom & yells at me to wake up.  He had slid on some ice & hit a curb with the truck, throwing off the alignment.  He decided to work from home today because he said he almost got into 3 accidents.  I didn't even know it was supposed to snow today/last night.  ¶It really wasn't a good way to way up & then he tells me that because of my health/weight, he probably won't get a raise when his review comes up.  The company can't legally deny us health insurance but because it's a small company, they can't afford to spread the cost around & so Aaron will have to compensate by not getting a raise.  It makes me feel so awful/guilty/depressed/angry.  I ran out of my stupid anti-depressant a few weeks ago, so it hit me really hard & I started crying.  ¶Then, to top it all off, I had the news on this morning and they were talking about all the car accidents, etc.  There was a story about some guy that was involved in an accident on the highway and he got out of his car and got hit by a semi truck.  I really hope that guy wasn't married and that he didn't have kids.  Charlie is always on my mind, but as the date of his death draws closer, I start to dwell on his accident and not the good memories.  I become a nervous wreck when it starts snowing & ice starts forming on the road because I worry about Aaron & my friends and family.  I hate feeling this way.
• I need to go make lunch for the boys now.  They've been begging to go outside all morning & I really don't want to be out in the cold.  We're all still sick & they really don't need to be running around in the snow. 
  

My Inner D&D Character

I didn't need to take a quiz to tell you I'd get this result :)

It's Like Twilight, But For Grown Ups

I don't consider myself a literary snob, by any stretch of the imagination.  It's not like I read Ayn Rand for fun, so I can admit that I have read Laurell K. Hamilton's books without any sense of shame.  Hamilton's books are like candy; tasty, fun for 5 minutes, & it rots your teeth (or in this case, your brain).  I've read 12 of her books so far and at first, I really enjoyed them because it was something different.  But the farther into the Anita Blake series that I get, the less I like her books.

Hamilton will take a 400 page novel and stretch it out to 800 pages by being repetitive and overly descriptive, and her sex scenes add nothing to the story.  Her sex scenes are so descriptive that I'm surprised that her work isn't classifed as erotica.  In reality, it should be considered paranormal romance but somehow her work has been lumped into the sci-fi/fantasy category.  And don't get me wrong, I don't mind a little sex if it adds to the story telling.  In Hamilton's case, the sex seems to distract the reader from her story.

I keep reading Hamilton's work because if you skim over the fluff and skip the repetition, it's not all that bad.  I also like how her main character, Anita Blake, is changing with each book.  Blake starts out as a badass bitch with balls of steel - yes, I said balls.  By book 12, Incubus Dreams, Blake has let down her guard & actually shows that she has a real personality other than ice queen.  I do, however, have to take a break in between Hamilton's books in order to forget some of what she's written.  This helps tone down the repetitive-ness.  Did I mention that Laurell K. Hamilton repeats herself a lot?

I went to the library a while back, like I do, and I wasn't really looking for anything in particular to read.  But a book just happened to grab my attention so I picked it up and brought it home.  I started to read the book and realized that I had picked up a book that belonged in a series and it wasn't the first book.  So I said good-bye to the book and I promised it that we would meet again.  I said this with my fingers crossed behind my back, because i didn't know if I would like the previous books enough to get to this book.

I went back to the library the next day and checked out Dead Witch Walking, book 1 of The Hollows, by Kim Harrison.  Harrison's books are similar to Hamilton's books in that they are both paranormal romances, they revolve around a central female character, they are alternate realities to our world, and those worlds contain vampires, werewolves, & sundry other mythical creatures.  Harrison does it much, much better. 

Harrison not only has vampires, she also has living vampires; people who have been infected by a vampire virus through blood or birth, but who have yet to die.  Rachel Morgan, her main character, is a witch that can cast demon magic and she has partnered with a living vampire, Ivy; and a pixy, Jenks; to open Vampiric Charms, a supernatural private investigation firm.  There is sex involved, but it's minimal enough that it doesn't distract the reader from the story.  Harrison uses repetition sparingly, only to refresh her reader's memory of previous events. 

I'm currently on book 5, For A Few Demons More, and I've been able to read straight through the series, without a break in between books.  Rachel Morgan would kick Anita Blake's ass any day of the week.

Injury Report

I met Sarah & another lady at McDonalds to have lunch today.  Sarah's little boy is in school but the other lady's children are younger so they were there with her.  The boys were playing well with her kids & they were not being loud or getting in anyone's way so I wasn't focused on what they were doing & I was talking to the ladies.  All of the kid were sitting up on the stools along the window & out of the corner of my eye, I see Xander turn in his seat and loose his balance. 

It was like a slow motion replay.  I whipped my head around & jumped out of my chair as he fell and I saw his little face connect with the floor.  I picked him up before he even had a chance to register what had happened & blood started to pour out of his nose.  I grabbed a bunch of napkins & he starts screaming trying to pull my hand away.  I'm thinking, "Oh god!  He broke his nose!!!  Or his arm!  He fell on his arm really hard!  What if he's cracked his skull????" 

I held him to me & we got him him calmed down enough to look at his nose.  Aside from being bloody & swollen, it isn't misshapen or in the wrong spot.  His pupils weren't dialated or blown & he didn't throw up.  I think he took the impact on his hip and his poor little nose. 

Once I was positive he was alright, I started to get light headed and nauseous.  Sarah said my face was really pale & I felt like I was going to faint.  I have never had a problem with blood.  But I think the sight of so much blood on Xander, getting out of my seat so quickly,  and the adrenaline rush made my blood pressure go crazy.  I felt bad because Sarah had to hold him so that I could put my head between my knees so I wouldn't pass out. 

And while we were fussing with Xander, poor Zach bends over to pick up his toy and cracks his head on the table.  I can deal with that injury.  There's no blood and I know Zach's head is way tougher than the table.  I probably made a great impression on the other lady, who I was meeting for the first time.  I don't pay attention to my kids, so one of them sustains an injury and then I act all retarded at the sight of blood.  Bleh.

Xander apologized to me on the way home.  He thought I was mad at him for getting hurt.  I tried to explain to him that I wasn't mad, I was just really scared becasue I thought he had been badly hurt.  Then he asked me in a tiny voice, "Can we watch Polar 'Fress (Polar Express) & have hot chocolate?"  Yeah.  Aside from the swollen nose & the black eyes he'll probably get, he's fine.

Hi, I'm Bitchy McBitcherson

Today is going to be one of those days.  I pissed Aaron off when I went to bed last night because I woke him up so he slept on the couch.  Zach came into the bedroom around 3:30 AM & woke me up because he wanted to sleep with me.  Then the cat started messing with stuff on the desk because he wanted attention and every time I started to fall asleep I got the sensation that something tiny was crawling on me and biting me all over my body. 

I'm just feeling unproductive and bleh today.  I got the house cleaned yesterday but it's a mess again.  I'm tired and my hair isn't doing what I wanted it to do.  I have plans this weekend that I am not looking forward to because I'm in the mood to drink & play Rock Band w/Randy & Rob.  And I'm congested, I'm starting to get a headache, and my throat hurts.

Aaron's company Christmas party is this Thursday and I'm worried that he's going to be embarrassed by me because I'm a big fat fatty.  I got my hair cut yesterday and I'm actually happy with how it turned out but it won't curl the way I want it to.  I have a nice sweater to wear to the Christmas party but I don't have nice shoes & I don't really have the extra $$$ to buy new ones.  My feet are too huge to borrow a nice pair from anyone I know because they're all cute & tiny.  Bitches.

I signed up for NaNoWriMo but I never actually wrote anything.  I have several half-formed ideas floating around in my brain but they would never come together to form anything resembling a novel.  Castle was a re-run last night. 

At least I'm not retaining water today.