This has been a weird week. My mood has fluctuated between highs and lows all week and it's normally pretty consistent at one end of the spectrum or another. I'm trying to figure out what has triggered this weirdness and the only thing I can come up with is hormones.
My cycle hasn't been normal ever since I gave birth to Zach but it's really been screwed up for the last year and I don't have normal periods. Instead of a normal 30 day cycle, with 5 days of bleeding, I get constant light bleeding with a few days of nothing, mixed in with spells of heavy bleeding. My OBGYN said that I wasn't ovulating and the lining in my uterus would build up to the point it would make me bleed all the time.
I think I just had an actual period although it's kind of hard to say with the above mentioned problems. But I had cramping, clotting, and my face broke out so I think it's safe to say this was a real period. I think it means the chemicals in my brain are all out of whack, too.
I haven't felt this depressed in a long, long time. I just don't want to do anything and I can't bring myself to care. I feel really bad about my self image, to the point that I don't want to leave the house because I don't want anyone else to see me. I'm 32 years old but I still get pimples during my time of the month. I hate that because I think it looks dirty and I'm not a dirty person. Add bloating on top of the fact that I'm already fat and I feel like I'm as huge as a house.
I was supposed to go out with some of the ladies last night for dinner and I skipped out on that because I couldn't bring myself to change out of my comfy clothes. I just didn't want to get in the car and go anywhere. I called one of my friends and told her that I wasn't going and she said that if I came over to the house, she'd pump me full of Prozac! I probably do need to get back on medication.
I'm supposed to go to Who's Yer Con today and I feel very anxious and stressed out about it. I'm sitting here at the computer desk and my right leg is bouncing up and down a million times a minute. My stomach is in knots and I really need to go get ready but I'm blogging, instead. I haven't felt like blogging all week long.
I think the thing that makes me nervous is that I'm going by myself and I'm not going to know anyone there. I'm going to be gaming with people that I don't know. I have been with my D&D group for almost 10 years now and the thought of role playing in front of other people is killing me! I've talked myself out of going several times since last night but this morning I decided that I was going to go. Now I just have to get my fat ass into the shower and get ready.
For what it's worth, chin up and all that jazz. Go to the con, have a good time, and if you ever find yourself asking the question "why did I bother coming out", just tell yourself it's going to make great blog-fodder afterwards. If a game goes awkward, just ride the wave and tell yourself it'll be a great story to post here for the rest of us to enjoy.
ReplyDeleteAs for the other stuff, as a guy I can't really relate to the biological problems, but I can at least sympathize. And being in a slump like you can describe is always awful - I've had my share of those too; you don't want to do anything, but you also don't want to just sit there like a lump, either. It's a no-win situation and you just gotta ride it out.
Anyhow, I hope you have a good weekend at the Con and come back with some good stories to blog about.
We missed you last night! I had a feeling you were finking out on us. ;-) I'm reminding you that you need to start putting yourself first and the other stuff will start to get better. I know it seems wrong to put yourself first because you have kids, but it really does work. I'm not talking like being a selfish bitch, but just taking better care of yourself....all parts of yourself. Social, health, spiritual, mental...all that stuff. I'm here for ya!
ReplyDeleteHa! You made it after all. Hope you're having fun... :)
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