"What's wrong with it?" the thing hissed.
"It's crying," another head rumbled in response.
"What's wrong little girl?" asked a 3rd head, it's voice almost tender.
The thing took up most of the room with it's deformed body. The room itself was filled with light but the shadows of the creatures hulking bulk covered her in darkness.
"I'm not a little girl," she hissed fiercely. "I'm a grown woman and I don't need your help."
"I think it wants to have sex with us," leered a 4th head.
"Ewwww!" she declared loudly, before she could give any thought to a proper response.
"Ignore it," said Head #1. "Maybe it'll go away."
Head #3 looked appalled at the idea. "But the child is clearly lost," it said with concern.
"I don't need your help!" she said forcefully.
"What is that sound?" said Head #1. "Does anyone hear that?" It's shifty eyes began to look around the room, purposefully avoiding her.
Head #4 licked it's lips slowly and said, "I think it needs a good spaaaankiiiing." It began to shuffle towards her and she scrunched herself further back into her corner.
Suddenly it stopped.
"No!" said Head #3. "You can't do that! She's only a child! Show her the light!"
Head #2 began to pick it's nose.
"Who are you talking about?" asked Head #1.
"Just leave me alone," she begged. She wiped her eyes defiantly but the tears kept on flowing. The tears never stopped. She couldn't remember the last time that she had stopped crying.
Head #3 began to speak, "We just want to -"
"FUCK YOU!!!!" yelled Head #4 wickedly.
"Fuck you, asshole!" shouted Head #1 in response. It was clearly angry at Head #4 and seemed as if it had really forgotten that she was in the room.
Head #3 shook itself in exasperation. "You can leave if you want. You just have to ask for help."
She could see a door behind the creature, just barely. It was glowing with a soft blue light.
"I DON'T WANT YOUR HELP!" she screamed. She screamed it over and over and over until her throat felt raw and bloody and her voice was almost lost.
Head #2 put it's hands over it's ears.
"Wow!" said Head #4. "It's a loud one!" It grinned suggestively.
Head #1, "Who's loud? I'm bored. Let's go get something to eat."
Head #3 sighed, his expression one of saintly martyrdom. "Come child. I'll show you the way. Just say the words."
She began to tremble with rage.
"I. Do. Not. Want. Your. Help." she whispered and with that she threw herself at the wall behind her and began to pound with her fists and scratch and bite and bang her head until she collapsed, exhausted and bloody and covered with sweat.
"Why, child?"
"Because," she said softly through bruised and swollen lips. "I've asked for help before and it was never given." She shut her eyes. "Now let me sleep."
"Good night," said Head #2.
"I'll see you tomorrow," she mumbled.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Women Writing The Weird
There are many stories in this book and I've picked just a few of my favorites to talk about. It only took me 4 days to read and I would've finished it faster than that except for silly things like sleep, taking care of kids, etc. It was an entertaining book and well worth the time so if you like stories about things magical, scary, or unusual then you'll get a good selection here.
There is a short introduction of the author at the beginning of each story and one of the things that I like about this is that Deb Hoag would offer a little comment about the story to follow. Hoag's comments were often thought provoking and it caused me to read deeper into the story than I normally would have.
For instance, Hoag says of Rachel Turner's A Stray Child, "...I spent more time than I like to admit turning it over in my head, trying to puzzle out some of the mysteries of it...". Turner says that she was influenced by Silent Hill and Akira Yamaoka's soundtrack but having never seen the movie or played the games, I found myself thinking of the song Stinkfist by Tool. For me, the story shows how the lines between victim and victimiser can be blurred and interchanged and that there is an intimacy in violence that we don't often see on the outside.
I thought Deb Hoag's story, Phat is a Four-Letter Word, to be very interesting and it took a turn that I didn't expect. However, I couldn't help but picture Sandy as a drag queen although I can sympathize with her "fuck the polyester & the oversized tee-shirts" attitude. Finding stylish clothing when you are "plus sized" is often difficult and Sandy more than takes matters into her own hand.
Beneath The Skin, by C.M. Vernon gives a different twist to the were-creature tale and I think this story would make a great movie. I also couldn't help but think of Kafka's Metamorphosis while I was reading it.
You get a sense of the inevitable downfall of the main character of Catfish Gal Blues, by Nancy A. Collins, right from the beginning. However, the ending was almost like the punchline to a dark joke and it made me laugh after reading it.
I don't know how to talk about Mysty Unger's The Scene Changes without giving anything away. Deb Hoag says that this story took her by surprise and I have to agree. I think the thing that I liked about this story is that each scenario is a figurative foreshadowing of what awaits the main character. I would actually like to have seen this story continued further than 5 pages just to find out what would happens to her.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Getting My Game On
I am going through serious withdrawal. I haven't played in my Pathfinder game since August, nor have I engaged in any other form of gaming since the beginning of October. So in a desperate attempt to feed my craving, I decided to try out the Pathfinder Society game at a local game store.
My experience with gaming groups other than my own has not been very good, with the exception of the Pathfinder game that I got to play in at Gen Con, and so I've always hesitated when it comes to organized gaming of this sort. It's not so much the people that are playing but mostly the lack of role playing that I dislike. I don't mind a good dungeon crawl every once in a while but the interaction between characters and the NPC's is one of the most fun things about the game. Also, coming up with creative ways to work through a situation (not just the standard, cut & paste response) is also a fun thing.
But I thought that I'd give it another chance because it's close to my house and it was Pathfinder. I've been playing Pathfinder since it came out so I'm comfortable with the mechanics of the game. The PFS scenario I played in was #3: 05 - Tide of Twilight & it was very challenging for low level characters. Basically we had to stop a group of druids form turning everyone into werewolves and we only had 2 days to do it.
I got a little frustrated during game play because we would be discussing possible ways to overcome a challenge and the guy running the game would shoot it down & tell us what we had to do to solve the problem. For example, we had to enter this area that was surrounded by really high walls made of thorns. If we tried to climb the wall or go through it, we were going to take at least 2d6 pts of damage. For a 5th level character, this isn't as much of an issue because they have the HP to spare. But at first level, that would probably kill some of us & we had no fighters or clerics in the party. In fact, there were 2 wizards, a rogue, & I can't remember what the other guy was playing but it was a magic user (not wizard, sorc, or witch). The only way to enter the area was to go through the entrance that was guarded by a fairy & her wolf.
Again, this wouldn't be an issue for a higher level party because they could just fight the NPCs and even though the fairy has DR it could be assumed that a high level party has better equipment & more spells at their disposal than we did. So we started brainstorming ideas to get into the clearing without taking any damage. First we thought we'd try burning the thorny wall but the DM said it wouldn't work. So then I said something about trying to talk to the fairy (I was playing an elf & I spoke Sylvan) and he basically said, "Look, all you have to do is wound her and she'll surrender but she has DR and you guys don't have cold iron so somebody cast a spell".
In the DM's defense, he didn't get the module until he arrived at the store & the only reason he was running was because there were 8 of us wanting to play & that was too many for one group. So this guy, who had already played the scenario at another game store, offered to run it for some of us and we were split into a low/high groups. Another point in his defense was that we only had 4 hours to get through the scenario and that could have been why he was rushing us through situations that could have potentially held us up.
Overall, it was a learning experience and it just serves to remind me that there is a difference between organized play and the campaigns that I've played in. I prefer the campaign style because we can usually take our time with things, unless there is a self-imposed time limit (like the 2 days or everyone turns into a werewolf issue) but generally, we're not rushed through trying to figure out the encounters. The games are generally a little more balanced, too because we try to take each class into account when we play - although someone usually gets roped into playing the cleric because no one wants that class.
That being said, I don't intend to give up on organized play. I think that if I could just get used to the different style of playing, it wouldn't be as frustrating to me.
Current mood: my ovaries hurt
Currently listening to: The Airborne Toxic Event - All At Once
My experience with gaming groups other than my own has not been very good, with the exception of the Pathfinder game that I got to play in at Gen Con, and so I've always hesitated when it comes to organized gaming of this sort. It's not so much the people that are playing but mostly the lack of role playing that I dislike. I don't mind a good dungeon crawl every once in a while but the interaction between characters and the NPC's is one of the most fun things about the game. Also, coming up with creative ways to work through a situation (not just the standard, cut & paste response) is also a fun thing.
But I thought that I'd give it another chance because it's close to my house and it was Pathfinder. I've been playing Pathfinder since it came out so I'm comfortable with the mechanics of the game. The PFS scenario I played in was #3: 05 - Tide of Twilight & it was very challenging for low level characters. Basically we had to stop a group of druids form turning everyone into werewolves and we only had 2 days to do it.
I got a little frustrated during game play because we would be discussing possible ways to overcome a challenge and the guy running the game would shoot it down & tell us what we had to do to solve the problem. For example, we had to enter this area that was surrounded by really high walls made of thorns. If we tried to climb the wall or go through it, we were going to take at least 2d6 pts of damage. For a 5th level character, this isn't as much of an issue because they have the HP to spare. But at first level, that would probably kill some of us & we had no fighters or clerics in the party. In fact, there were 2 wizards, a rogue, & I can't remember what the other guy was playing but it was a magic user (not wizard, sorc, or witch). The only way to enter the area was to go through the entrance that was guarded by a fairy & her wolf.
Again, this wouldn't be an issue for a higher level party because they could just fight the NPCs and even though the fairy has DR it could be assumed that a high level party has better equipment & more spells at their disposal than we did. So we started brainstorming ideas to get into the clearing without taking any damage. First we thought we'd try burning the thorny wall but the DM said it wouldn't work. So then I said something about trying to talk to the fairy (I was playing an elf & I spoke Sylvan) and he basically said, "Look, all you have to do is wound her and she'll surrender but she has DR and you guys don't have cold iron so somebody cast a spell".
In the DM's defense, he didn't get the module until he arrived at the store & the only reason he was running was because there were 8 of us wanting to play & that was too many for one group. So this guy, who had already played the scenario at another game store, offered to run it for some of us and we were split into a low/high groups. Another point in his defense was that we only had 4 hours to get through the scenario and that could have been why he was rushing us through situations that could have potentially held us up.
Overall, it was a learning experience and it just serves to remind me that there is a difference between organized play and the campaigns that I've played in. I prefer the campaign style because we can usually take our time with things, unless there is a self-imposed time limit (like the 2 days or everyone turns into a werewolf issue) but generally, we're not rushed through trying to figure out the encounters. The games are generally a little more balanced, too because we try to take each class into account when we play - although someone usually gets roped into playing the cleric because no one wants that class.
That being said, I don't intend to give up on organized play. I think that if I could just get used to the different style of playing, it wouldn't be as frustrating to me.
Current mood: my ovaries hurt
Currently listening to: The Airborne Toxic Event - All At Once
Friday, November 25, 2011
It's The Little Things
So I had a major freakout a few weeks ago and I shut this blog down. I bought a new domain and created a new twitter & Facebook account. I have yet to do anything with the new domain and last night was the first time I had used the new twitter account in a couple of weeks. The reason I did all of this was because I have been holding something in for such a long time that I felt like I was going to burst and I needed to get it out - whether is was to blog about it or tweet about it. It had gotten to the point where I felt like I need to vent or I was going to run through the streets screaming.
Basically, I've had some issues with my dad for a long time but I've not really spoken to him about them. We touched on them a bit around this time, last year but I never really felt a sense of closure from the conversation we had. I'm pretty sure that (almost) everyone has issues with their parents and mine were nothing special. My dad never beat me or sexually abused me but I felt like what I had to say was important...and yet, I tried to refrain from saying anything because I didn't want to hurt his feelings. And in the end, when we finally did talk, I exploded all over the place and nothing I said was coherent or made any sense. So again, I'm left without a sense of closure.
However, this time, I've realized that nothing that I have to say to him is going to change him. He's made peace with the way he is/the way he was and now it's up to me to deal with the issues that I have. He tells me that I have no idea what he went through growing up, raising us, & being married to my mom & wife #2 and that I have no right to judge his actions or his behavior and he's right. It doesn't make it any easier for me, but he's right. I begged him to tell me what it was that he had to go through but he refuses to tell me and so the only thing I can do from this point forward is to deal with it.
I think it would be easier, for me, to just shut that door and move on with my life. But I have 2 little boys who love their papaw very, very much and they don't understand what happened to me when I was little. I know that my kids love him very much and he has never done anything to hurt them and I can't take that away from them. It brings back memories of when I was little and when my grandmother passed away I had to listen to people saying very mean things about her. It made me very angry and I didn't understand why people were being so hateful at her funeral.
My mom and dad are also the only immediate family that I have left. All of my grandparents are dead and my mom's side of the family lives in Pennsylvania. I've never really had a chance to get to know them and there are some things that went on there which prohibits me from being very close with that side of the family. My dad's side of the family has pretty much passed away and those that are left are much older and live in Illinois (there is also a branch that lives in Southern Indiana that I do like but we can't seem to connect). So basically, when my parents pass away...I don't want to say I will have nothing left because I have my husband & my boys...but my connection to my past, the family that I grew up with will be gone and that makes me very sad.
I don't like to bring up really deep, personal issues on my blog for several reasons - 1) you never know who is going to be reading it and 2) I don't want to come across as a whiny and negative person because I'd like to think that I'm not that way in "real" life. I try very hard not to "unload" on my friends and family because I know that everyone has issues to deal with and when I put it in perspective, my life isn't so bad. I have a roof over my head, food in my belly, a husband who loves me, and 2 kids who are healthy, well behaved, smart, and loving.
But every once in a while, there are things that I keep inside me - little things - and they seem to fester and grow and grow and grow to the point that I feel like I am going to explode in a massive rage if I don't get them out. I don't like to hold grudges. I don't like to keep hurts and perceived slights and angers inside. It makes me a very angry and bitter person and I don't like that.
Current mood: cautiously optimistic
Currently listening to: Tori Amos - Under The Pink
Basically, I've had some issues with my dad for a long time but I've not really spoken to him about them. We touched on them a bit around this time, last year but I never really felt a sense of closure from the conversation we had. I'm pretty sure that (almost) everyone has issues with their parents and mine were nothing special. My dad never beat me or sexually abused me but I felt like what I had to say was important...and yet, I tried to refrain from saying anything because I didn't want to hurt his feelings. And in the end, when we finally did talk, I exploded all over the place and nothing I said was coherent or made any sense. So again, I'm left without a sense of closure.
However, this time, I've realized that nothing that I have to say to him is going to change him. He's made peace with the way he is/the way he was and now it's up to me to deal with the issues that I have. He tells me that I have no idea what he went through growing up, raising us, & being married to my mom & wife #2 and that I have no right to judge his actions or his behavior and he's right. It doesn't make it any easier for me, but he's right. I begged him to tell me what it was that he had to go through but he refuses to tell me and so the only thing I can do from this point forward is to deal with it.
I think it would be easier, for me, to just shut that door and move on with my life. But I have 2 little boys who love their papaw very, very much and they don't understand what happened to me when I was little. I know that my kids love him very much and he has never done anything to hurt them and I can't take that away from them. It brings back memories of when I was little and when my grandmother passed away I had to listen to people saying very mean things about her. It made me very angry and I didn't understand why people were being so hateful at her funeral.
My mom and dad are also the only immediate family that I have left. All of my grandparents are dead and my mom's side of the family lives in Pennsylvania. I've never really had a chance to get to know them and there are some things that went on there which prohibits me from being very close with that side of the family. My dad's side of the family has pretty much passed away and those that are left are much older and live in Illinois (there is also a branch that lives in Southern Indiana that I do like but we can't seem to connect). So basically, when my parents pass away...I don't want to say I will have nothing left because I have my husband & my boys...but my connection to my past, the family that I grew up with will be gone and that makes me very sad.
I don't like to bring up really deep, personal issues on my blog for several reasons - 1) you never know who is going to be reading it and 2) I don't want to come across as a whiny and negative person because I'd like to think that I'm not that way in "real" life. I try very hard not to "unload" on my friends and family because I know that everyone has issues to deal with and when I put it in perspective, my life isn't so bad. I have a roof over my head, food in my belly, a husband who loves me, and 2 kids who are healthy, well behaved, smart, and loving.
But every once in a while, there are things that I keep inside me - little things - and they seem to fester and grow and grow and grow to the point that I feel like I am going to explode in a massive rage if I don't get them out. I don't like to hold grudges. I don't like to keep hurts and perceived slights and angers inside. It makes me a very angry and bitter person and I don't like that.
Current mood: cautiously optimistic
Currently listening to: Tori Amos - Under The Pink
Wednesday, November 09, 2011
Good-bye
Gonna take a break from this identity for a while. There were/are a lot of expectations attached to it & I don't feel as if I can live up to them anymore.
Don't get all freaked out.
I'll be around.
Don't get all freaked out.
I'll be around.
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