Here is a brief overview of 2011.
January - I made my New Year resolutions and then spent the rest of the month beating myself up for breaking most of them within days. I think I accomplished maybe 4 things out of the 20 that I had resolved to do.
February - I joined a gym in February and started going every day. I also started eating better. And apparently I was mad at someone for doing something but as of right now, I can't remember who or what it was.
March - By this point, I've lost 48 lbs. (since October 2010). Also got to go to Kentucky and spent some time doing things with Aaron and the boys (Louisville Slugger Museum, the zoo, the science center). It was a lot of fun & I think we're going back next year.
April - Still going to the gym every day at this point. I participated in the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure. The race was 3 miles but I think I walked a total of 6 that day with going from the car and back & to lunch, etc.
May - Down 80 lbs. since Oct. 2010. Also participated in the Indianapolis Mini-Marathon and walked 13.1 miles in 3 hrs & 45 minutes. It was one of the most amazing things I've ever done and something that I didn't think I'd finish but I did. I have the medal to prove it. I also had a major falling out with an old friend that resulted in some pretty nasty things being said on both sides.
June - I had another birthday. I had convinced myself that I was turning 35 but I'm really only 34.
July - Still going to the gym but not as often as I should have been. I started DM'ing for my D&D group for the first time, running the first module in the Pathfinder AP: The Carrion Crown.
August - The gym that I belong to cancelled the classes that I was taking. This completely discouraged me and I quit going to the gym on a regular basis. On the plus side, I got to go to Gen Con for a day and I got to meet a lot of cool people that I talk to on twitter. I also stepped out of my "gaming" shell & played a bunch of different games that weren't D&D. Also celebrated the 6 & 7th birthdays of my 2 boys.
September - I was able to put my anger and hard feelings aside and apologize to my old friend. We met for lunch, to talk, and we started putting our friendship back together.
October - Aaron and I celebrated our 7th wedding anniversary. I also got to support two of my friends who had stories published in an anthology. I know that the success is totally theirs but I'm proud that I was able to go to their book reading and to support them and their accomplishment. My D&D group went on hiatus & I quit playing Vampire.
November - I think I had a tiny nervous breakdown. I also had a "come to Jesus" meeting with my dad to talk about my issues with him. I didn't realize that I had so many negative feelings towards him and that it had really started to affect me. Talking to him really helped me to recognize some of those issues.
December - This month has been the best and the worst of 2011 and I think that for the rest of my life, December will always have a bittersweet feel to it. This was the 6th anniversary of my brother's death and I think I finally accepted my grief and fully allowed myself to feel it, after 6 years. On the other hand, I got to spend a lot of quality time with my mom & dad (in separate places, of course) and to really talk to both of them. I also learned a lot about myself but I'm not really sure what to do with that knowledge yet. We also didn't have a lot of money to buy Christmas presents but we were still able to get the boys something that they really wanted from Santa.
Looking back over the past year, I realize that despite the last few months, I did get to experience some amazing things and made some great accomplishments. I'm looking forward to what next year will bring and hope that my new insights into who I am will help to bring about good things for myself and my family!
Friday, December 30, 2011
Friday, December 16, 2011
Self Awareness
I made a comment to a friend of mine on twitter that I was allowing myself to be in a bad mood this morning. The boys were at school and I had some time to be alone and I felt that if I was going to be in a bad mood, I should probably do it while I was by myself. So I put on some music and as I was waiting for my dad to arrive, I straightened up my house and did the dishes and thought about all the things that were making me feel shitty.
I was actually kind of dreading my dad's visit but it was actually pleasant. We had a nice talk and I came to realize that my biggest issue with him and with my mom is that I've had to come to see them as people and not as parents anymore. The dad that I grew up with no longer exists and I'm having a hard time coping with the person that he's become. He's not a bad person, in fact he's probably a better person now than he was when I was growing up. But he's not familiar and I'm struggling with that. The same goes for my mom. I don't know why it's such a difficult concept for me to grasp but there it is.
I also talked to him about how my feelings from the past are influencing how I feel now. When I was younger, I used to be able to forgive and forget so easily. I could have a huge fight with someone and then turn around and be best friends with them and not think anything about what made me angry at them. Now that I'm getting older, I find that I'm having a harder time letting go of things that make me angry or sad or hurt.
I don't like holding grudges because I think they have a way of eating a person up inside - I see it first hand when I am with my mom. She's always had a hard time of letting things go and even though she has a reason to be angry, she doesn't forgive and holds it all inside and she's becoming a very bitter person. I love my mom very much but I don't want to be like that. And even though I say this, I still find that I have a hard time forgetting and forgiving because I don't want to be hurt again.
Another thing that I realized was that I've been putting my grief for my brother on a shelf these past 6 years. I don't really talk about Charlie's accident or the way I feel about loosing my brother. None of my friends really knew him and Aaron doesn't like to talk about emotions and feelings and crap. I don't really talk to my parents or my sister-in-law about him much because I don't want to hurt them by bringing it up. And when it comes to my sister-in-law and my parents, I've always subconsciously considered my grief not as important as theirs.
Even though we all lost the same person the day Charlie died, he meant something different to each of us - a child, a husband, and a brother. For some reason, I've always considered their grief more important than mine. I don't know why that is because I know he was just important to me as he was to them but I've always felt like I couldn't show my grief when I was around my parents because I had to let them show theirs. It's just one more thing that I've been bottling up. My dad made a comment today that I've always sacrificed what I was feeling for the sake of others.
Self-realization is very important but I don't know what to do with the information. I'm not sure how to change how I react to things or how to handle situations in a different fashion.
It's not the first time I've had some kind of epiphany when it comes to who I am and it won't be the last.
I was actually kind of dreading my dad's visit but it was actually pleasant. We had a nice talk and I came to realize that my biggest issue with him and with my mom is that I've had to come to see them as people and not as parents anymore. The dad that I grew up with no longer exists and I'm having a hard time coping with the person that he's become. He's not a bad person, in fact he's probably a better person now than he was when I was growing up. But he's not familiar and I'm struggling with that. The same goes for my mom. I don't know why it's such a difficult concept for me to grasp but there it is.
I also talked to him about how my feelings from the past are influencing how I feel now. When I was younger, I used to be able to forgive and forget so easily. I could have a huge fight with someone and then turn around and be best friends with them and not think anything about what made me angry at them. Now that I'm getting older, I find that I'm having a harder time letting go of things that make me angry or sad or hurt.
I don't like holding grudges because I think they have a way of eating a person up inside - I see it first hand when I am with my mom. She's always had a hard time of letting things go and even though she has a reason to be angry, she doesn't forgive and holds it all inside and she's becoming a very bitter person. I love my mom very much but I don't want to be like that. And even though I say this, I still find that I have a hard time forgetting and forgiving because I don't want to be hurt again.
Another thing that I realized was that I've been putting my grief for my brother on a shelf these past 6 years. I don't really talk about Charlie's accident or the way I feel about loosing my brother. None of my friends really knew him and Aaron doesn't like to talk about emotions and feelings and crap. I don't really talk to my parents or my sister-in-law about him much because I don't want to hurt them by bringing it up. And when it comes to my sister-in-law and my parents, I've always subconsciously considered my grief not as important as theirs.
Even though we all lost the same person the day Charlie died, he meant something different to each of us - a child, a husband, and a brother. For some reason, I've always considered their grief more important than mine. I don't know why that is because I know he was just important to me as he was to them but I've always felt like I couldn't show my grief when I was around my parents because I had to let them show theirs. It's just one more thing that I've been bottling up. My dad made a comment today that I've always sacrificed what I was feeling for the sake of others.
Self-realization is very important but I don't know what to do with the information. I'm not sure how to change how I react to things or how to handle situations in a different fashion.
It's not the first time I've had some kind of epiphany when it comes to who I am and it won't be the last.
Another Year Gone
I used to fight with my brother when we were little. We would fight until my mom or dad would come in and scream at us to stop because we were driving them crazy. We'd beat each other up and call each other awful names. But if anyone else tried to do that him, I'd kick their ass & he'd do the same for me. My mom used to say that we needed to be nice to each other because when they were gone, my brother & I would be all that we had left.
It's been 6 years since you left us and not a day goes by that I don't think about you.
I don't know if you're in heaven. I don't know if you're just gone. I don't think knowing one way or another would make me feel any better.
I often fantasize about going back to that day and picking up the phone and calling you. In my dream, I tell you that I love you and that I'm sorry for not being the best sister in the entire world. And I ask you to drive carefully and to put your fucking seat belt on.
I'm not stupid. I know that if you were still here, we'd still fight. Things wouldn't be perfect. We'd probably only see each other on the holidays even though we only lived 5 miles away from each other. I'd probably complain about all of your bratty red-headed children and you'd complain about mine.
But I would give almost anything to have you back.
I think mom has lost her spark. I think she put it in the casket with you. Dad has changed, too.
I feel numb most of the time. And when I do feel anything, it's extreme and out of proportion. Although, that's not your fault. It's how I've always been.
We weren't perfect as brother and sister. We didn't appreciate one another enough. We didn't call each other enough.
But I miss you anyway.
It's been 6 years since you left us and not a day goes by that I don't think about you.
I don't know if you're in heaven. I don't know if you're just gone. I don't think knowing one way or another would make me feel any better.
I often fantasize about going back to that day and picking up the phone and calling you. In my dream, I tell you that I love you and that I'm sorry for not being the best sister in the entire world. And I ask you to drive carefully and to put your fucking seat belt on.
I'm not stupid. I know that if you were still here, we'd still fight. Things wouldn't be perfect. We'd probably only see each other on the holidays even though we only lived 5 miles away from each other. I'd probably complain about all of your bratty red-headed children and you'd complain about mine.
But I would give almost anything to have you back.
I think mom has lost her spark. I think she put it in the casket with you. Dad has changed, too.
I feel numb most of the time. And when I do feel anything, it's extreme and out of proportion. Although, that's not your fault. It's how I've always been.
We weren't perfect as brother and sister. We didn't appreciate one another enough. We didn't call each other enough.
But I miss you anyway.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Kingmaker Game #1
Our game is set in the Kingmaker AP and we are starting out with The Stolen Land module. We have a pretty diverse group & I hope the DM exploits this as we go forward. I'm playing Agnes Aleguzzler, cross-dressing Dwarven cleric. We also have Turin, the elven ranger, and his animal companion, a white dog/tiger thingee named Junk. (This is the best animal companion/familiar name ever and I'm so stealing it if we get a dog in real life. "Hey baby. Wanna pet my Junk?"). And we have a half-orc barbarian named Ricross (who's finishing move is the Ric Roll) and a human summoner named Helena (who plans on changing her name to something cool because all adventurers have cool names she just hasn't decided what it is yet).
Ricross is pretty quiet and Agnes was too drunk to notice that he is a half-orc so there is no tension there. Yet. However, Agnes couldn't help but to notice Helena (she has a charisma score of 20!) and he hit on her the entire game session. Helena is a shy, wide-eyed farm girl and so she has no experience with a surly, drunken dwarf. She ended up hiding out with her eidolon (who looks like a sexy satyr) and with Svetlana, the wife of the trading post guy, for most of the game session. At one point, Helena asked Svetlana if she had any books so Svetlana took her back to her bedroom. Agnes was convinced that they were getting naked so he & Ricross tried to peek through the bedroom window. Alas, it was nothing more than stupid girl talk. "No lickin' or nuthin'," muttered Agnes in disappointment.
Our individual characters ended up at Oleg's Trading Post in the middle of nowhere after receiving a summons from the Swordlords of Restov to explore and travel within the region known as the Greenbelt. It just so happens that Oleg & Svetlana had requested help from someone (the Swordlords?) because they were being harassed by bandits. It also just so happens that our charter urged us to "strive against banditry and other unlawful behaviors" that we should encounter. So even though we weren't necessarily the people that Oleg had sent for, we decided to help him out. (Agnes got drunk while Turin made preparation to meet the bandits and Helena scouted around outside the trading post. Not sure what Ricross was doing.)
The bandits eventually showed up to demand their "tribute" from Oleg. Turin managed to get one of the rickety old catapults loaded & he fired at the bandits but instead of hitting them and/or scaring them off, they rushed towards the outpost. Ricross & Agnes waited at the gates to meet the bandits but the cowards stopped just short of the entrance. Agnes demanded that they throw down their weapons & talk but seeing as how Turin had just wounded one of them with his bow, the request wasn't take seriously. The bandits got off of their horses and acted like they were going to come inside but Turin managed to knock one of them down so the others fled. Helena, being an inexperienced girl from a goat farm, stayed in the courtyard the whole time.
The one bandit that had been wounded was left behind so Agnes tried to get information from him. When the bandit failed to be intimidated by him, Agnes tried wiggling the arrow around inside his eye socket but that didn't work, either. So the half-orc had to scare the information out of him. Once the bandit told us the location of their camp, Agnes tried to yank the arrow out so that he could heal the bandit but the wound was too great and he died. Oh well.
We then spent a great deal of time in discussion about what we should do. Agnes wanted to stay at the out post and fortify their position (with strong drink) but Ricross thought that they should pursue the bandits. Helena also thought they should stay at the out post but Turin was wishy-washy and wouldn't answer the question. Agnes tried to convince Oleg & Svetlana that they should leave but Oleg was vehemently against it. The group eventually decided to venture out after the bandits but a trip that should have only take a day, on horseback, was going to take them at least 4 on foot (because the dwarf is so stinkin' slow).
Ricross offered to carry the dwarf so that they could move faster but Agnes vetoed that. Turin wanted to put Agnes on a horse, but they didn't have a horse strong enough to carry the dwarf. I think Agnes is going to have a phobia against horses & boats - horses because his feet won't be touching the ground and it'll make him feel like he's falling and boats because he can't swim. Since we were trying to get through the forest as quickly as we could, we didn't take time to explore our surroundings and we'll have to come back this way when we're done. Our only encounter on the road was a nest of grigs but the ranger noticed them so the grigs didn't make mischief on our group as we camped for the night.
We found the bandit encampment and our DM ended the session for the night.
Our first game session was kind of weird because this is the first time that I've gamed with them and for several of the other players, it's really their first time playing D&D/Pathfinder. There was a lot of awkwardness and hesitation around the table but I think that once we get used to each other and the other players get used to role playing and the rules, the game should smooth out nicely. It probably didn't help much that my dwarf was really crude, drunk, & was constantly hitting on the females!
Ricross is pretty quiet and Agnes was too drunk to notice that he is a half-orc so there is no tension there. Yet. However, Agnes couldn't help but to notice Helena (she has a charisma score of 20!) and he hit on her the entire game session. Helena is a shy, wide-eyed farm girl and so she has no experience with a surly, drunken dwarf. She ended up hiding out with her eidolon (who looks like a sexy satyr) and with Svetlana, the wife of the trading post guy, for most of the game session. At one point, Helena asked Svetlana if she had any books so Svetlana took her back to her bedroom. Agnes was convinced that they were getting naked so he & Ricross tried to peek through the bedroom window. Alas, it was nothing more than stupid girl talk. "No lickin' or nuthin'," muttered Agnes in disappointment.
Our individual characters ended up at Oleg's Trading Post in the middle of nowhere after receiving a summons from the Swordlords of Restov to explore and travel within the region known as the Greenbelt. It just so happens that Oleg & Svetlana had requested help from someone (the Swordlords?) because they were being harassed by bandits. It also just so happens that our charter urged us to "strive against banditry and other unlawful behaviors" that we should encounter. So even though we weren't necessarily the people that Oleg had sent for, we decided to help him out. (Agnes got drunk while Turin made preparation to meet the bandits and Helena scouted around outside the trading post. Not sure what Ricross was doing.)
The bandits eventually showed up to demand their "tribute" from Oleg. Turin managed to get one of the rickety old catapults loaded & he fired at the bandits but instead of hitting them and/or scaring them off, they rushed towards the outpost. Ricross & Agnes waited at the gates to meet the bandits but the cowards stopped just short of the entrance. Agnes demanded that they throw down their weapons & talk but seeing as how Turin had just wounded one of them with his bow, the request wasn't take seriously. The bandits got off of their horses and acted like they were going to come inside but Turin managed to knock one of them down so the others fled. Helena, being an inexperienced girl from a goat farm, stayed in the courtyard the whole time.
The one bandit that had been wounded was left behind so Agnes tried to get information from him. When the bandit failed to be intimidated by him, Agnes tried wiggling the arrow around inside his eye socket but that didn't work, either. So the half-orc had to scare the information out of him. Once the bandit told us the location of their camp, Agnes tried to yank the arrow out so that he could heal the bandit but the wound was too great and he died. Oh well.
We then spent a great deal of time in discussion about what we should do. Agnes wanted to stay at the out post and fortify their position (with strong drink) but Ricross thought that they should pursue the bandits. Helena also thought they should stay at the out post but Turin was wishy-washy and wouldn't answer the question. Agnes tried to convince Oleg & Svetlana that they should leave but Oleg was vehemently against it. The group eventually decided to venture out after the bandits but a trip that should have only take a day, on horseback, was going to take them at least 4 on foot (because the dwarf is so stinkin' slow).
Ricross offered to carry the dwarf so that they could move faster but Agnes vetoed that. Turin wanted to put Agnes on a horse, but they didn't have a horse strong enough to carry the dwarf. I think Agnes is going to have a phobia against horses & boats - horses because his feet won't be touching the ground and it'll make him feel like he's falling and boats because he can't swim. Since we were trying to get through the forest as quickly as we could, we didn't take time to explore our surroundings and we'll have to come back this way when we're done. Our only encounter on the road was a nest of grigs but the ranger noticed them so the grigs didn't make mischief on our group as we camped for the night.
We found the bandit encampment and our DM ended the session for the night.
Our first game session was kind of weird because this is the first time that I've gamed with them and for several of the other players, it's really their first time playing D&D/Pathfinder. There was a lot of awkwardness and hesitation around the table but I think that once we get used to each other and the other players get used to role playing and the rules, the game should smooth out nicely. It probably didn't help much that my dwarf was really crude, drunk, & was constantly hitting on the females!
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Perspective
This is going to be a weird post, so be patient with me. The shit has been going down for about 2 months now but I haven't really talked about it. Lots of reasons, which I've mentioned before, and lots of reasons that I haven't mentioned. So without sounding like a broken record, here's the run down:
The husband got laid off at the end of October. He was able to find a good job pretty quickly but it still fucks up the finances when you don't work for 2 weeks. It wouldn't have been as much of an issue if Christmas wasn't coming up and we didn't have a bunch of other shit happen at the same time. The other shit is as follows:
a) The furnace broke and it's still not fixed, although we have an idea of what the issue might be and it's not a huge deal if we fix it instead of calling a company. Just waiting to have the funds to buy the part. We currently have 2 space heaters running and its actually warmer in the house than when the furnace is running. I normally keep the thermostat at 68 degrees but the space heaters keep it around 73 - 75 degrees.
b) Truck was dead but thanks to my husband and a friend, it's up and running again although we have to be careful with it because the tires should've been replaced 6 months ago.
c) Battery in the Mazda may be dying, but if we keep it parked in the garage we may be able to milk it for another few weeks.
Issues with the family. Already talked about this with all parties involved. Still feeling frustrated but not much can be done. Things should simmer down once Christmas is over and I don't have to worry about scheduling things without hurting people's feelings or feeling obligated to be in a place that I don't want to be or (god[s] forbid) be in the same room!.
Everyone in the house has been sick. I'm feeling better but Aaron is still sick and so are both kids. Xander has been on antibiotics and he isn't running a fever, so I think he's getting better. Zach, however, has pneumonia. Thank goodness that we have the HSA so that I could take him to the doctor and get his medication. Hopefully he'll be all cleared up by Christmas.
Also coming to the realization that even though I tried to patch things up with an old friend, it's probably not going to work because life can't go back to the way it was. I've tried to show that I was there for him by responding to texts & emails, even though I couldn't be there in person but it sounds like what he wants is impossible for me to give. Impossible, because it involves other people, aside from the two of us. Difficult, because I have other things in my life that will always come first and it's hard for him to see that. It also sounds like he only wants to be friends in order to play D&D, something that he accused me of a long time ago and something that was never true. I could be wrong but I'm going off of his own words. I have no hard feelings towards him anymore, only sadness that things couldn't work out for the better.
And with all of this negativity looming over me, the 6th anniversary of my brother's death is this Friday. I think about my brother every day and typically, my thoughts are of good things like the way he smiled as he held Xander for the first time and the way he used to carry on with his wife and how much he loved to watch sports. But as this day draws closer, I can't help but think of the day that he died and the way I felt when I found out. I can't help but think of the fact that the boys are growing up without their Uncle Charlie's influence and that they only know him through stories. I feel anger and regret and sadness at his passing instead of trying to remember the love and laughter that he brought.
I'm trying to keep my head above the water but the anger and negativity, the bullshit and the bad luck are threatening to overwhelm me. Suddenly, the things that seemed so important just aren't that important anymore and trying to find enjoyment in each day seems impossible.
I could really, really come to loathe this time of year.
But I'm trying to stay positive. Things suck but they aren't that bad. "It'll be better next year" is always my mantra at the end of the year. I just have to make it through these next few weeks.
Just keep swimming.
Swimming.
Swimming.
I think I'm going to go watch Finding Nemo with the boys.
The husband got laid off at the end of October. He was able to find a good job pretty quickly but it still fucks up the finances when you don't work for 2 weeks. It wouldn't have been as much of an issue if Christmas wasn't coming up and we didn't have a bunch of other shit happen at the same time. The other shit is as follows:
a) The furnace broke and it's still not fixed, although we have an idea of what the issue might be and it's not a huge deal if we fix it instead of calling a company. Just waiting to have the funds to buy the part. We currently have 2 space heaters running and its actually warmer in the house than when the furnace is running. I normally keep the thermostat at 68 degrees but the space heaters keep it around 73 - 75 degrees.
b) Truck was dead but thanks to my husband and a friend, it's up and running again although we have to be careful with it because the tires should've been replaced 6 months ago.
c) Battery in the Mazda may be dying, but if we keep it parked in the garage we may be able to milk it for another few weeks.
Issues with the family. Already talked about this with all parties involved. Still feeling frustrated but not much can be done. Things should simmer down once Christmas is over and I don't have to worry about scheduling things without hurting people's feelings or feeling obligated to be in a place that I don't want to be or (god[s] forbid) be in the same room!.
Everyone in the house has been sick. I'm feeling better but Aaron is still sick and so are both kids. Xander has been on antibiotics and he isn't running a fever, so I think he's getting better. Zach, however, has pneumonia. Thank goodness that we have the HSA so that I could take him to the doctor and get his medication. Hopefully he'll be all cleared up by Christmas.
Also coming to the realization that even though I tried to patch things up with an old friend, it's probably not going to work because life can't go back to the way it was. I've tried to show that I was there for him by responding to texts & emails, even though I couldn't be there in person but it sounds like what he wants is impossible for me to give. Impossible, because it involves other people, aside from the two of us. Difficult, because I have other things in my life that will always come first and it's hard for him to see that. It also sounds like he only wants to be friends in order to play D&D, something that he accused me of a long time ago and something that was never true. I could be wrong but I'm going off of his own words. I have no hard feelings towards him anymore, only sadness that things couldn't work out for the better.
And with all of this negativity looming over me, the 6th anniversary of my brother's death is this Friday. I think about my brother every day and typically, my thoughts are of good things like the way he smiled as he held Xander for the first time and the way he used to carry on with his wife and how much he loved to watch sports. But as this day draws closer, I can't help but think of the day that he died and the way I felt when I found out. I can't help but think of the fact that the boys are growing up without their Uncle Charlie's influence and that they only know him through stories. I feel anger and regret and sadness at his passing instead of trying to remember the love and laughter that he brought.
I'm trying to keep my head above the water but the anger and negativity, the bullshit and the bad luck are threatening to overwhelm me. Suddenly, the things that seemed so important just aren't that important anymore and trying to find enjoyment in each day seems impossible.
I could really, really come to loathe this time of year.
But I'm trying to stay positive. Things suck but they aren't that bad. "It'll be better next year" is always my mantra at the end of the year. I just have to make it through these next few weeks.
Just keep swimming.
Swimming.
Swimming.
I think I'm going to go watch Finding Nemo with the boys.
Thursday, December 01, 2011
Agnes Aleguzzler
I'm playing in a new Pathfinder game and as I was making my usual halfling rogue, it struck me that I wasn't excited about my character. I always play a halfling or a rogue or a wizard and I wanted to play something completely different this time. One of the other guys had already chosen to make a fighter and we also had a ranger and a summoner for the party.
The DM rattled off several suggestions for me but none of them really seemed exciting and I loathe paladins because it's just not in my chaotic nature to play one. That left me with cleric - a class that I really don't like to play because all they do is heal people and that's boring. In fact, I had already declared to my new group that I absolutely did not want to play a cleric or paladin. So imagine their confusion when I announced that I didn't want to play the halfling rogue that I had spent most of the evening creating.
My friend Rob & I used to joke about playing a cross-dressing Dwarven Battlerager (imagine Thibbledorf Pwent in drag!) and whenever I see the picture of the half-nekkid dwarf in the Pathfinder book, I imagine him in a pink and frilly dress. That's when I decided that I was finally going to make my cross-dressing Dwarf PC and since fighter was already taken, I figured I could play a cleric who prefers to break heads rather then mend them.
I like the idea of the hierarchical Dwarven society as in The Dragon Age games and that if a Dwarf leaves their underground home for a life on the surface, they are forever banished. So, while it may not be "canon" for the Pathfinder realms, I'm going to say that this is the type of Dwarven society that Agnes grew up in. (So if the area that I say he's from doesn't match up with what you know of Pathfinder & Dwarves, this is the reason.)
Agnes Aleguzzler hails from the Mountains of Kodar and he was born into the Smith Caste. Both his mother and father were smiths of some renowned and it was expected that he and his older siblings would follow in their parent's footsteps. Alas, while the work that Agnes produced could far outstrip that of a human smith it was poor by Dwarven standards. Agnes loved his family but his mediocre crafting skills were often a bone of contention amongst them and stirred up quite a bit of sibling rivalry.
Agnes' oldest sister, Gretchen, was a master crafter in record time and often taunted Agnes about his poor smithing abilities. She used to tell him that he would be cast out of the Smith class & sent to the mines to labor until he was too old to hold a pick axe. Brunhild, the middle child, had a kinder heart and she would defend Agnes to anyone that would listen. "He's still young," she would say, "give him time to hone his skills and one day he will rival the greatest of our Smiths!"
The truth of the matter was that Agnes did not care to be a great Smith. He liked women, wine, and song more than anything and he longed to travel. He would spend his days in the local ale houses and listen to the tales that the rare surface visitors were telling. Agnes tried to dull his wanderlust with drink and spent most of his time drunk. One time Agnes confided his secret desire to a woman he though he loved but the wicked wench spread word and Agnes was labeled a trouble maker and a deviant. What self-respecting dwarf would want to visit the surface?
Agnes kept his head down and his whiskers close after that debacle but things were never quite the same. Women were no longer interested in him and by the time he was old enough to leave his parents home, he had no marriage prospects - not even from the lower castes. He was employed to create only the most basic of everyday items - pots and pans and the like, and the only friend he had was his sister Brunhild.
During his lowest point, he was approached by another dwarf of the Smith caste - Rhudighar Ironfist, and he was asked to sabotage his sister Gretchen's work. Rhudighar wished to humiliate Gretchen because she was a better smith than he was and he thought that if Gretchen was brought low, she would submit to his marriage requests. Rhudighar offered to pay Agnes very handsomely to do this awful deed but even though Agnes disliked his sister, she was still his family. Agnes refused and told Rhudighar that he was going to inform his sister of what Rhudighar had planned.
The next day, Agnes fortified himself with a great deal of whiskey and then went to Gretchen's house but when he arrived, he found her dead with an axe planted between her eyes. Agnes rushed to his sister side and tried to find a spark of life but it was too late. Of course, that's when the guards arrived, to find Agnes with his hands on the handle of the axe, one foot planted on Gretchen's chest as he strained to pull the axe out. Everyone knew of their sibling rivalry and so Agnes was arrested on sight.
As he sat in a jail cell, receiving no food or drink, he prayed to anyone who would listen to help him set the situation right. That night, as he lay in a fitful slumber, he was awoken by the sounds of his cell being opened. It was a halfling that he had met a few days earlier and she was accompanied by another dwarf that he didn't recognize. The halfling identified herself as Bubbles and her grouchy companion as Squeak and then she threw a dress at him and told him to put it on.
Bubbles and Squeak were able to smuggle Agnes out of the jail cell and out of his mountain home but as soon as he took one step on the surface, he felt the queerest sensation of falling. Agnes began to panic and would've bolted back into the mountain but Squeak knocked him on the back of the head & put him out. When Agnes next awoke, he was lying in a ditch in a strange city, still wearing the lacy dress that he had been smuggled out in. When he sat up he began to experience the strange falling sensation again and as he groped about, he found a wineskin at his feet. He quickly drank it down and as the feeling of drunkenness engulfed him, the falling sensation faded away.
Agnes has wandered around the area for several months now, not really sure what the names of the towns he is visiting are. He does odd jobs for anyone who will pay him and spends all of his coin on strong drink. He has found himself praying to Cayden Cailean, although he's not really sure who that is. All that he knows is that when he whispers his prayers to this strange deity, he feels a lightening in his soul that he's never felt before. The floating feeling is not as strong anymore, even when he is sober but he has found that even though he is living his dream and traveling on the surface, it's not as grand as he imagined it to be.
He longs to go home and explain to his family that he did not kill his sister. He longs to revenge his sister and find her killer. But mostly, he just wants to go home. He spends his days getting drunk to dull the pain and homesickness and he leaves the dress on to remind himself that he is a coward who could not stay to face his peers, even when he knew they wouldn't listen to him and that they were going to execute him despite his innocence.
The DM rattled off several suggestions for me but none of them really seemed exciting and I loathe paladins because it's just not in my chaotic nature to play one. That left me with cleric - a class that I really don't like to play because all they do is heal people and that's boring. In fact, I had already declared to my new group that I absolutely did not want to play a cleric or paladin. So imagine their confusion when I announced that I didn't want to play the halfling rogue that I had spent most of the evening creating.
My friend Rob & I used to joke about playing a cross-dressing Dwarven Battlerager (imagine Thibbledorf Pwent in drag!) and whenever I see the picture of the half-nekkid dwarf in the Pathfinder book, I imagine him in a pink and frilly dress. That's when I decided that I was finally going to make my cross-dressing Dwarf PC and since fighter was already taken, I figured I could play a cleric who prefers to break heads rather then mend them.
I like the idea of the hierarchical Dwarven society as in The Dragon Age games and that if a Dwarf leaves their underground home for a life on the surface, they are forever banished. So, while it may not be "canon" for the Pathfinder realms, I'm going to say that this is the type of Dwarven society that Agnes grew up in. (So if the area that I say he's from doesn't match up with what you know of Pathfinder & Dwarves, this is the reason.)
Agnes Aleguzzler hails from the Mountains of Kodar and he was born into the Smith Caste. Both his mother and father were smiths of some renowned and it was expected that he and his older siblings would follow in their parent's footsteps. Alas, while the work that Agnes produced could far outstrip that of a human smith it was poor by Dwarven standards. Agnes loved his family but his mediocre crafting skills were often a bone of contention amongst them and stirred up quite a bit of sibling rivalry.
Agnes' oldest sister, Gretchen, was a master crafter in record time and often taunted Agnes about his poor smithing abilities. She used to tell him that he would be cast out of the Smith class & sent to the mines to labor until he was too old to hold a pick axe. Brunhild, the middle child, had a kinder heart and she would defend Agnes to anyone that would listen. "He's still young," she would say, "give him time to hone his skills and one day he will rival the greatest of our Smiths!"
The truth of the matter was that Agnes did not care to be a great Smith. He liked women, wine, and song more than anything and he longed to travel. He would spend his days in the local ale houses and listen to the tales that the rare surface visitors were telling. Agnes tried to dull his wanderlust with drink and spent most of his time drunk. One time Agnes confided his secret desire to a woman he though he loved but the wicked wench spread word and Agnes was labeled a trouble maker and a deviant. What self-respecting dwarf would want to visit the surface?
Agnes kept his head down and his whiskers close after that debacle but things were never quite the same. Women were no longer interested in him and by the time he was old enough to leave his parents home, he had no marriage prospects - not even from the lower castes. He was employed to create only the most basic of everyday items - pots and pans and the like, and the only friend he had was his sister Brunhild.
During his lowest point, he was approached by another dwarf of the Smith caste - Rhudighar Ironfist, and he was asked to sabotage his sister Gretchen's work. Rhudighar wished to humiliate Gretchen because she was a better smith than he was and he thought that if Gretchen was brought low, she would submit to his marriage requests. Rhudighar offered to pay Agnes very handsomely to do this awful deed but even though Agnes disliked his sister, she was still his family. Agnes refused and told Rhudighar that he was going to inform his sister of what Rhudighar had planned.
The next day, Agnes fortified himself with a great deal of whiskey and then went to Gretchen's house but when he arrived, he found her dead with an axe planted between her eyes. Agnes rushed to his sister side and tried to find a spark of life but it was too late. Of course, that's when the guards arrived, to find Agnes with his hands on the handle of the axe, one foot planted on Gretchen's chest as he strained to pull the axe out. Everyone knew of their sibling rivalry and so Agnes was arrested on sight.
As he sat in a jail cell, receiving no food or drink, he prayed to anyone who would listen to help him set the situation right. That night, as he lay in a fitful slumber, he was awoken by the sounds of his cell being opened. It was a halfling that he had met a few days earlier and she was accompanied by another dwarf that he didn't recognize. The halfling identified herself as Bubbles and her grouchy companion as Squeak and then she threw a dress at him and told him to put it on.
Bubbles and Squeak were able to smuggle Agnes out of the jail cell and out of his mountain home but as soon as he took one step on the surface, he felt the queerest sensation of falling. Agnes began to panic and would've bolted back into the mountain but Squeak knocked him on the back of the head & put him out. When Agnes next awoke, he was lying in a ditch in a strange city, still wearing the lacy dress that he had been smuggled out in. When he sat up he began to experience the strange falling sensation again and as he groped about, he found a wineskin at his feet. He quickly drank it down and as the feeling of drunkenness engulfed him, the falling sensation faded away.
Agnes has wandered around the area for several months now, not really sure what the names of the towns he is visiting are. He does odd jobs for anyone who will pay him and spends all of his coin on strong drink. He has found himself praying to Cayden Cailean, although he's not really sure who that is. All that he knows is that when he whispers his prayers to this strange deity, he feels a lightening in his soul that he's never felt before. The floating feeling is not as strong anymore, even when he is sober but he has found that even though he is living his dream and traveling on the surface, it's not as grand as he imagined it to be.
He longs to go home and explain to his family that he did not kill his sister. He longs to revenge his sister and find her killer. But mostly, he just wants to go home. He spends his days getting drunk to dull the pain and homesickness and he leaves the dress on to remind himself that he is a coward who could not stay to face his peers, even when he knew they wouldn't listen to him and that they were going to execute him despite his innocence.
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